What can I say?

I want to find that all consuming, breath taking, heart wrenching love. Do you think it still exists?

Saving Me

It's very easy to lose yourself in the hustle of being a mommy.  Some women can perfectly balance motherhood and a social life while others, like me, have to work for it.  I am one of the types that get over come with mommy guilt.  I have decided that what is best for my child and myself is for us to have a little more time apart than just daycare and work.  So I have vowed that once a month I will have a girly night.  I am still on my no boys until 24 kick. So far so good.

The really good thing about vowing not to enter a relationship for a while is you weed out a lot of people who don't really deserve you.  Some men get very impatient.  I want a man who will be ok with taking this slow.  Until I find him, I'm never going to settle, so I will enjoy the freedom.  2012 is all about saving me.  This is the year that I learn to balance my social life with being a mom.  I have pushed myself aside for nearly 3 years now.  It's time I get myself back.  I am already down 35 lbs. Which is fabulous, not good enough but it is great.  I still have at least 40 lbs to go before I am satisfied.

So Last night was my first Girls night of the year.  I got to hang out with two beautiful ladies as we watched two funny guys put on a wonderful show.  It was the most fun I have had this year.  This year has just begun though so I have plenty more opportunities to make fun memories like this one.  Which also brings me to say if you haven't been to the Sit n Talk Coffee shop in Beebe you really need to go.  Not only is the coffee AMAZING the entertainment is pretty good also.  I have only been once but I have a feeling I will be more often.  I can't wait until I can be there for a karaoke night.  Hello, super fun right there! I feel like I need to brush up on my boy band dance moves though...hmmm

 I made some resolutions at the beginning of the year that I am ashamed to say I am already slacking on.  One in particular was to take more pictures.  I feel as though I have completely failed on that one.  Another is to do more philanthropy work, also failed.  So the year is still young, I have time to get back on track.  I can take pictures of everything, aim to do better in the world, talk to a few more strangers, and just be a better and more positive person to be around.  That has been my goal all along.  I love to talk to people, I can talk about anything and everything.  I am a pretty social person if I do say so myself, and I like to think that I am friendly.  It seems like a talent to me, some people can touch their noses to their tongue and I can start a conversation with anyone.  So it's time I put my talents to use. 

Saving me isn't just a slogan that I came up with for my year, it's a lifestyle change.  When you aren't happy with something you need to change it.  You only have one life, once chance, you are either going to make it worth while or not.  I never want to be the person who settles for less than spectacular again.  I want it all.  I happen to think I deserve it also.  So I challenge you to save yourself.  Even if you think you haven't lost yourself, just dig a little deeper and figure out what in your life could be better or that you would change completely and do it.  When all else fails remember to always Go with God :)

Let go and let God

I have this pattern. It leads me to crappy men. I promised myself on my last birthday that I wouldn't get in a relationship, so far I've been dancing on the line. The thing is that guys are a waste of time. A friend of mine face me some great insight. He is very driven towards his goal right now and he is waiting on looking for a girlfriend. He wants to accomplish his goals first then worry about relationships later. Once upon a time I would have thought this concept was crazy and that people who do that will end up alone because they wasted time. Although some might, are they really unhappy? I mean whatever that goal was would have to be pretty important to them. So achieving it would be pretty spectacular. Maybe I need to make my goals my soulmate.

I am tired of trying and trying and then cruelty comes out. I want to better myself. I am not the person who just settles for good or ok. I want great even spectacular. I can't be with someone who is just satisfied with making it. I want them to constantly strive for better. There is alway room for improvement.

Sometimes I catch myself just daydreaming about the person I want to be. Then I get a little peeved at myself because what is stopping me?! I have come a very long way on the last few months. I have been working so hard, but something has been missing. A persons relationship with God is very personal. It is something that only that person and God can understand. My relationship with God has become more and more important to me recently. I want to be a strong spiritual role model for my son. I no longer want to be an empty vessel living from day to day. I want to be living for tomorrow: for what happens when I die. What heaven looks like.

Things in my life seem to have got more difficult a time goes on. The common factor in all of it is that Go was talking to me the whole time. I just wasn't listening. Well my ears are fully open now. And the eyes of my heart are open as well. I am ready to hand it all over. I'm tired of tying to figure it all put on my own. I am hanging all my problems over to God. He can either fix them or tell me how.

God will write my love story, maybe he already has. I just need to open my kind, my heart, and let God lead the way.