Sunday, August 11, 2013

Thanks for the Memories

This weekend the big yard/garage sales took place along highway 64, which brings back so many memories for me.  Four years ago my sister, my mom, and I piled into my moms little blue car and started down the highway.  It was nearly an all day event.  It was no easy task for a full-term pregnant woman to complete.  By the end of the day I was swollen, exhausted, and for lack of a better word...a complete bitch. 

The date was August 15, 2009.  My due date was the 27th.  My sister took this photo and uploaded it on her facebook to let the world know just how grumpy I was, and probably to gain a few laughs.  As you can see, I was largely pregnant and clearly exhausted. 

The next day I had a friends baby shower to attend.  I was still very tired and slightly grumpy...but I pulled myself together for her special day.  Upon entering her home, her husband took one look at me and said, and I quote, "Do NOT go into labor in my house."  Of course we all laughed at this comment and went about our business.  I had so much fun at her shower. 

I can remember around 4pm I started to feel slightly uncomfortable and the cramping began.  Being my first pregnancy I didn't think to much of it.  I finished the shower without saying at word to anyone, then headed home. I remember being on facebook laying on my bed and chatting with my friend, whose baby shower that I previous attended, and she told me I was in labor...I of course did not believe her.  She had told me earlier that week that she thought I would have him before Monday.  It's very neat that this whole event is chronicled on facebook. 

My mom came to pick me up around 10:30 that night and we headed to the hospital.  When we got there I was dilated 1cm.  By this time I was having very strong contractions that were less than 5 minutes apart and lasted about a minute long.  The nurse took pity on me and told me to walk around the hospital and see if it helped me dilate more.  A little before 2 am she checked again and I was only at 1.5cm but fully effaced. So she admitted me.  Not that we were going anywhere.  I remember asking her for Tylenol and she tried to stifle a laugh saying it wouldn't really help, but she handed me them anyways (Just so you know, getting a Tylenol in a hospital is like 10 dollars a freaking pill and they WILL bill your insurance for it) 

Mom stood by my side all night long.  I will admit there were times where I was less than pleasant to her.  I got downright snotty more than once.  Around 6am they gave me a shot of some useless pain med that didn't stop the pain, but stopped you from being able to clearly voice your discomfort.  Demerol (sp?).  Apparently I got pretty funny at this point.  I was soon hooked up to oxygen because apparently I wasn't getting enough on my own.  Which of course made the bill go up even more!  Breathe ladies breathe!  My dad reached the hospital around 7ish and my sister was there by 8.  I don't think Haydens dad showed up until around 8 as well.  Finally feeling some relief around 7:30 when I got my epidural, I think I may have taken a brief nap...but who can say for sure. 

At 9:57 on August 17th, 2009 my little monster was born.  His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice and thank god the nurses did all their BEST (Baptist joke) otherwise who knows if he be here today.  His heart rate was rapidly dropping and I was only at an 8 so (not going to go into to much detail) they got me to a ten and started the pushing process.
That was 4 years ago.  Since giving birth to a bouncing baby boy life has changed so much.  For the better.  No I am not where I hoped I would be.  I am not living where I want, I'm not on the life path that I want...but I love where I'm at.  When times get rough and I am tempted to pull my hair out, I remember that weekend.  The weekend everything changed.  I am still not to my pre-pregnancy weight, I have stretch marks, and more cellulite than I care to think about. 
My life is now soccer games, bedtime stories, legos, and superheroes.  Half the time I can't remember what I ate the night before, but I can tell you exactly what happened on Haydens first trip to the ER.  I can tell you about the time we weathered our first tornado storm alone.  I can tell you exactly what I felt on the first day I went to work after he was born, the first visit with his dad, the last visit with his dad.  I can tell you what he wore home from the hospital. I can tell you all sorts of things that have happened since August 17th, 2009, all sorts of things about him.  
Hayden has been potty trained for over a year now, he has slept in his "big boy" bed for nearly two.  Every single day that passes this little guy exceeds my every expectation.  

You learn a lot about yourself when you become a parent.  Everything you know is tested.  Every theory you had is proven wrong...nothing stays the same.  If you are lucky, you have people to help you along the way.  People who will say "Hey, let us watch him for a little bit and you go out and just have some mental health time."  or ones that say "Yea, you are completely normal for thinking and feeling that way, sometimes life is overwhelming.  It will get better. It's just a phase.".  My child has truly molded me into a different person, a better person.  I only hope that one day he will say the same about me.  That I will do a good job, make him proud, and teach him right. 
Four years is not a long time, it is a tiny speck in the grand scheme of time.  In that time I have raised a boy who is loving, kind, compassionate, friendly, and so much more. I hope that he carries that with him forever.  I want to look back on my life and know that although I screwed up with so much, he wasn't one of my mistakes.  That I did the best I possibly could with him.  It's been difficult and as he gets older it will continue to become more difficult.  It breaks my heart every time he says "I don't have a daddy" or "I wish I had a daddy".  It breaks my heart when he wants something that I can't give him.  Every time he cries, I want to cry.  This little boy has been through so much already and he has no idea.  I can only hope that I will do something right and it won't affect him much as he grows older.  That he knows that no matter what happens, he as a mother who would walk through fire for him, that would give up everything to make him happy, and who feels beyond blessed to have the opportunity to be there every step of the way.  
So, Happy (early) birthday baby.  Mommy Loves you