Saturday, July 21, 2012

The wish list

The qualities of the perfect man.

Must love dogs
Eat meat (no vegetarians)
Not whiney
Good cook
Must have a good relationship with his family, but NO mamas boys
Like 90's music
No smoking or dipping
Like coffee
Must love kids
Sensitive (but not overly sensitive)
Read books
Like Harry Potter (I'm a nerd)
Will watch Greys Anatomy with me
Must get along with my best friend
Shouldn't take longer than me to get ready.

More to come.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

25 before 25

With my 24th birthday approaching, I have decided it's time to get a list together of 25 things to do before turning 25.

1. Lose 40 lbs
2. Watch every StarWars movie
3. Get a concealed weapons license
4. Go back to College
5. Sing Karaoke in public
6. Go ice skating
7. Read Great Expectations
8. Go out to eat alone
9. Take Hayden to the ocean
10. Run a 5k
11. Go horseback riding
12. Volunteer more
13. Hike a mountain
14. Make a pinterest craft every month
15. Paint a picture
16. Take a mommy only weekend
17. Go to the Memphis Zoo
18. Keep my car clean
19. Take a yoga class
20. Walk in heels (well)
21. Go camping
22. Go dancing
23. Take themed pictures with Hayden every month
24. Visit Altus
25. Get tinted windows for my car

This list is mainly about me. As a mom our everyday lives are about our children and what we can do for them, we often lose sight of ourselves. In order to be a good parent, you have to retain your individuality. You have to be a person, not just a mom. My identity is a mother, but I am also so much more.

Mother is my favorite role, my most important. I feel in order to raise my son right, I have to show him that it isn't my only title. As a parent your world revolves around your child. Example: this post. It was about 25 things I want to do before I turn 25. I have gone off subject and have started talking about being a mom.

So moms, remember to do something for yourselves. You have to have a good balance though. So I hope you al stick with me as I embark on my list. Hopefully by Friday September 13, 2013 I will have crossed off every one of those on the list.

Wish me luck!

Monday, July 9, 2012

Do good things really come to those who wait?

I cheated. I snuck on to Facebook tonight to look around. It was immediately a bad idea. If you set a goal for yourself and you break it, there is always a reminder around the corner on why you wanted that goal in the first place.

Happiness is deserved by everyone. To say I am jealous because someone is undeserving isn't true. I do have a bitter seed inside my soul that is growing though. Seeing all the bridal pictures, beautiful wedding pictures, Facebook relationship status changes from "in a relationship" to "engaged" sparks a tiny flame inside my soul. These people I see deserve happiness, that is undeniable. But don't I deserve it too?

Have I done so much wrong in my Life? been to impatient? Has that made me undeserving? I don't know. Everyone has something that they are so incredibly jealous and envious of...this is mine. I want a happily ever after.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get it. Will I be one of those women that time forgets? Did the stars forget to pick a soul mate for me? Is the other half of my moon stone just blank? I know not a good catch right now. I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can expect anyone else to love me. I do love me...but do I love me enough?

This entry is rather "dark" and deep. More so than previous entries. I'm allowed. I just desperately want my prince charming. I know good things happen to those who wait...but it's already been almost 24 long is this supposed to take?

Sunday, July 8, 2012

It's not's Facebook

Day 1 without logging on to Facebook... New addiction is pinterest. I have become a pinning fool today.

Reason for my sabbatical from Facebook is for a friend who needed to step away for personal reason, so to show support for her. Also, I find that I need to step away also. It completely disgusts me how much of my day I spend on it. And for what? I know when I go back I will delete a lot of people because it does me no good to befriend them.

So stepping newest journey. Wish me luck. My first goal is today. Once today is completed my goal is to make it through the week, then when the week is done two weeks and so on and so on until I feel like going back and taking are of business. Much loce'

Saturday, July 7, 2012

All the pieces

Some days a girl just needs a good cry.  Today has been that day for me.  There is nothing wrong with me, I just have been in the mood for emotions.  I have been youtubing sad tv scenes, movie scenes...I just don't know what's wrong with me today!  This cannot be healthy.  I am sure part of my need to release my emotions is that I don't do it very often.  I suppress so much of what I am feeling for the sake of...I'm not sure really.  I just don't want a lot of peoples pity and frankly I don't want to or have time to deal with it.  So every now and then I suppose a youtube cry fest is needed.

I'm not going to lie, everyone has problems, we all know this. Whether the problem lay in failing in school, losing your job, not being able to have a baby, or not having that ball park home run, world series kind of love.  Everyone is facing something.  If we all just wallow in our own self pity then we forget that everyone else is facing a difficult battle too.  We like to get angry at people who have what we want.  We can deny it all day long but we all do it.  It's human nature. 

A lot of my emotions come from the fact that I am lonely.  I am surrounded by people but I am lonely.  I have been single for over a year now.  I was in a loveless marriage for nearly 6 months and just plain alone.  I joined an online dating site hoping that it would cure some of my problems and maybe help me meet a few nice people.  Well with the good there is always bad.  There have been maybe 3 or 4 Decent people that I have met off the site and the rest are complete creepers.  I do not want to meet a person after two hours of conversation.  I Just don't.  I do not want to cuddle with someone after a week of talking and seeing each other for the first time. I just don't.  I would prefer to chat for a while then do something and please don't mention wanting to cuddle, b/c if you do then you better be content with the cuddling I give you and not complain that I am not cuddling.

Let me explain my annoyance.  I was talking to this guy, seemed super cool over text and what not.  We watched a movie together and he wanted to ok whatever so we did the whole arm around you head on shoulder type thing...but apparently that's not cuddling...he wanted to "lay and cuddle" hello...I am not about to have your penis in my back on the first hang out session.  So needless to say...he left very unhappy and I haven't heard from him since.  Oh well. I must remind them that I am a mother.  The last time I got comfy and cozy on the first few visits I ended up as a single mother.  So I would love if everything this time would go at a snails pace, the men have to be ok with that. 

So far in my ventures I have been messaged by a man and a woman (married couple) wanting to have a threesome...I was flattered...but I had to turn that down.  I have been messaged by men as young as 18...Also flattered but I don't want to play babysitter.  There have been a few men that I have really enjoyed talking to though.  I haven't met any of them but they are very nice conversationalist.  I am trying to keep my options open. I am not going to start chatting with one and cut ties off the site based off a few days of text messaging. This dating experience is about me this time.  Nothing but the truth and not putting up with anything i don't want.  I am going to be picky b/c I can be.  If I end up a spinster I'm cool with it actually.  As much as I want that special person, I will not compromise on anything I find important anymore. 

I am not the girl that has casual sex.  I have entertained the idea but when it boils down I know that I would get attached or find the entire thing weird and the friendship would be over.  I am the jealous type.  I'll admit it.  I can handle "girl" friends and whatnot but if I am going to sleep with someone I don't want to worry about getting tested every month b/c I don't know how many other women they are shacking up with.  To put it plainly...I don't like to share.  What's mine is mine. 
If I enter into a relationship my best friend has to approve of you or at least see room for potential.  This is very important.  I'm not compromising anymore.  I have compromised for men all my life and I am done.

All this does make me pretty emotional because I start to doubt myself.  I have this thing where I need to learn that I am a good catch and that I am beautiful.  I may not be a size two, there is more of me to love and yes I do wiggle, but there has got to be someone out there that will like that...right?  I mean surely, I see large women in relationships all the time. Part of me does seriously think that I am the unfamous relationship equivalent to Jennifer Love Hewitt though. (not looks wise b/c lord knows I would kill for that body) but she can't seem to find a good relationship and looking at her you see no problems. so I think I may be like that...just alone forever. 

youtube and do something productive.  Mr. Right will come along.  All the pieces will fall into place, and life will be spectacular.  I just need to stop watching sappy crap, don't compromise myself for anyone, and hang on to the effin fabulous part of me that I tend to forget about.

A friendship that will never end...

If you've ever watched Boy Meets World you will understand my mush gush that will be on this entry.

Although our roles aren't the same as Cory and Shawn's, but our friendship is the same. I'm all teary eyed and emotional so bear with me. I met my best friend at nine years old. She was this little, blonde haired, blue eyed, shy kid who didn't speak unless spoken to. I remember sitting next to her and the look on her face when I just started rambling...there was no turning back. From that moment on we were inseparable.

I basically lived at her house for the next 6 or 7 years. Her family became my family. I like to think I became that child they loved like their own but they were so glad they weren't the ones who were responsible for me. Although I have no doubt if needed they would have been. It's so unbelievably rare to have a friend whose family becomes your own. Unfortunate for her, my family doesn't live around here so she didn't get the same experience.

Let me clarify what best friend means to me. It doesn't mean that you always like that person, because you won't. It doesn't mean that you will be friends all the time, because you won't. It does mean that you share the same unconditional love that you have for your family. That matter what dumb fight you will have, and you will have plenty, when their name pops up on the caller ID and you get that feeling in your tummy, you'll answer. They may have to leave a voicemail but you will check it and call immediately. When you need them they are there and vice versa.

I suppose I am the Shawn of this story. My family, be it dysfunctional, is no where near Shawn's...but I am the troubled friend and Haley has always had it figured out. She met Corey (pun. Not intended that's his real name) when she was in high school I think but the relationship didn't start until college, so not the same as Cory and Topanga but close enough. Just like Shawn and Topanga, Haley's husband has become my family too.

In adult hood our friendship has clearly evolved. It's a different friendship and it always will be. I love her with all my heart though. The bond we have is like we are family. When we were younger we used to play with these huge Winnie the pooh and toffee stuffed animals and pretend they were real people and they were our boyfriends...we were som crazy kids.

I chose her and Cory to be Hayden's God parents. I truly believe if anything ever happened to me, they would be the best fit. Who better than someone who knows me so completely? Even of nothing does happen to me (hopefully nothing does) they will be the people he can call when he does something stupid and doesn't want to call his mom and let her know. The ones who will go to plays, games, shows, an any other activity. My family isn't
that large. It gained two extra members over the course of nearly two decades.

They say you pick your friends, this is true. Sometimes friendships just happen, sometimes they truly can't be explained. It is true when people at if you can count your true friends on one hand you are doing good...but the truth is...if I can just name one person who you know will always be there for you, you are lucky.

I am very lucky. Now if I could only find the Cory and Topanga kind of love...

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Independence Day

Independence Day for me now symbolizes more than just American gaining Freedom from the British.  For me, Independence day is the day I realized that my marriage was a sham and I needed to get out.  It is the day I reclaimed my independence. 

My marriage was over before it even began.  In fact, it should have never began.  There were so many signs (I've talked about them in a previous post) that I should have just walked away.  I truly believe there comes a point in most womens lives when they become a mother, that they lose themselves.  It's like you are sitting in a large pool and you are treading water.  Without help or someone to throw you a floatie you get very tired and become desparate for something.  Unfortunately for me what I thought was a life vest was merely a 3 dollar floatie with a slow leak. 

The "mom-cycle" as I like to refer to it is the time in a young mothers life when everything she was before she had her baby, leaves.  For was I gained back all the weight I had lost after child birth, I grew my hair back out long and wore it up most the time,  got glasses I hated because they were cheap, stopped wearing make up...just stopped.  For those of you that really know me, you know that makeup is like a drug for me.  I believe that in order to do your best you must feel your best and make up makes you feel pretty.  I do my make up for me, not anyone else though.  You also know that I love my hair shorter, it just looks better.  I love my "emo" glasses and I don't want to be "fat".  I want to be the old fat me...which is slowly coming along.

This day one year ago was the day someone threw me a dependable life vest and my head was finally back above the water.  I could breathe again.  That's the moment I knew that I had to get out of the pool and bring me back.  It has been such a long journey.  Over the last year I have changed considerably. 

(TOP) This was a picture of me at Haydens Second birthday party.  Also pictured is my dear friend Naomi and her beautiful son Bryce.  I already had my hair cut in the picture but I was still so big.

(BOTTOM) This was about two months ago.  As you can see I have gained my independence. I have reclaimed myself.  I got away from the man smothering me and trying to force me into a person I didn't want to be.  I broke out of the "Mom" shell that so many women fall into after child birth.. I am finally reaching a point where i am happy about myself.  I am posting pictures of my self again.  That is huge!!

So however you celebrated Independence day, I hope you did something for yourself.  To ensure your independence as a woman, man, wife, husband, daughter, son...whatever titles you hold. I hope you found a little bit of the you that may have gotten lost or overshadowed by something.

Laters baby!