Sunday, March 23, 2014

Are you there God? It's me, Jennifer

A few months ago I was a devout Atheist.  I was convinced that there was nothing more to this life than what you see.  When you die you are either placed 6 feet under or in an urn and that was that.  There was no divine intervention, no man upstairs.  There just was.  I don't believe that I have ever been a "bad" person.  I have just had different views on things.  To me, for so long, people would make me feel as though since I had those opinions God and I couldn't be on the same page. 

That was wrong.

I would like to say that since I started working for a faith based organization, that faith came easier for me...this wasn't the case though.  If anything it became more difficult.  I would see the thing that went on there and listen to what people would talk about.  It wasn't any different than any other place I had ever worked.  If anything it was worse, if only for the fact that I was holding them to a higher standard due to the type of organization that it was. 

Recently, I noticed myself becoming more and more bitter.  I was angry at everyone.  Who do you turn to when your heart is filled with hate?  Who can you talk to when you don't want to speak to anyone?  For some of you faith has come very easily. I use the term easily very loosely.  Many people around me were born into a religion.  They were raised with it.  I was not.  Don't misinterpret, my parents and family are wonderful people...we just never went to church.  Prayed once a year.

This past week I have been listening to Christian music, my mood has changed considerably.   I have begun to pray as well.  I'm not comfortable enough to call myself a Christian again just yet. But I don't believe I fit into the atheist category anymore at this point.  I believe I am transitioning.  People tend to believe that religion is black and white. You either believe or you don't.  It is so much more complex than that.  Life is so much more complex than black and white.  We live in this beautiful grey area. 

A song that truly began this journey for me was Casting Crowns "Just Another Birthday".  For those of you familiar with mine and Haydens story you can see how this song would bring me to my knees.  The first time I heard it, the tears were flowing freely. 

"Jesus, can You hear me
Come and heal my brokenness
Put the pieces back together
And be a Father to the fatherless"

We have been facing some very difficult times lately.  I have specifically. I have kept them from Hayden but he will deal with them in a completely different way when he is older.  It creates some very big anxiety for me.  I believe that any parent would feel this way if faced with similar situations.  How can I let him know that it was never his fault and that he is wonderful?  I can't do that alone, I need help.  So hearing this song by Casting Crowns was a wake up call.  Maybe one day I will have a story about finding God that will inspire others, right now...I'm just trying to figure it all out myself.  Something I need to remember, that we all need to remember is to not let others shape how we feel about the situation.  We have to find Jesus on our own.  No matter how you were raised, what church you were brought up in, you have to make the decision on how you believe, how you feel. 

I'm not sure when I will figure it out, if I ever will.  Just know that I think I am headed in the right direction for me and Hayden.


Sunday, March 2, 2014

I dreamed a dream...

Every single person alive has a dream.  Whether or not we achieve them is completely up to us. There is no dream to small or no dream too large, there are just dreams.  If we want them we must go after them.  Who is to say a dream is unachievable?  When we were younger we wanted to be things such as an Astronaut, a veterinarian, a Teacher, name it and someone out there wanted to be it when they grew up. Somewhere along the lines we all let that go.  Well not all but many of us.  I wanted to be a Marine Biologist, Veterinarian, Teacher, and Actress...all at the same time.

My dreams are HUGE, they are astronomical.  For one, I intend to lose at least 50 lbs.  I will achieve it through hard work and dedication.  I'm on my own timeline, no one Else's.  That's the thing about dreams, you have to work on them in your own time.  People from every direction are either going to encourage you are they are going to bring you down.  Very rarely will you ever meet a person who is indifferent towards your dreams.  Everyone has an opinion and they feel theirs is the most important one in the world.  It's not.  Yours is. 

As you all have learned either through your own experiences or someone elses, life tends to throw curve balls like they are going out of style.  I couldn't tell you how many of my plans have been detoured due to some unforeseen circumstance...notice I said detoured and not cancelled?  You can't let road blocks keep you from the end point. 
Roadblocks, detours, unplanned pregnancies, divorce, fired from your job...whatever you want to call these moments they are what you make them.  You can either let that moment define you or you can define the moment.  According to statistics I should be living on welfare and in complete poverty, although I am pretty broke I am doing well.  Being a single mother without a college degree should be a very scary situation. It was the one that they would try and scare us with in school. Obviously, for me, it became reality.  So my goals are this: I am going to go back to school. I will get my degree.  When I do, I am going to be even more spectacular than I am right now. 

One day I want to look back on this blog and see the things that I wanted to accomplish, I want to see what I planned for my life, I want to be reminded of my dreams.  I hope that at that point in time I will have achieved a few of them.  We all have circumstances that are less than ideal.  We need to use them in our favor.  I want a new opportunity.  I want to wake up someplace completely different and yet beautiful.  I tend to write my blog entries from my living room couch and occasionally gazing out the window.  Right now there is a glorious thunderstorm brewing in the background.  That kind of stuff gets my creative juices flowing.  One day I want to look out my window and instead of seeing trees and wooded areas I want to see the ocean.  I want to hear the waves pounding the shore.  I want to smell the salt floating in the air.  That is another dream.