Sunday, December 29, 2013

2013 PT 1

I started off 2013 with such high ambition.  It was going to be MY year.  I was going to be an awesome mom, I was going to rock the corporate world, and I was going to make time for friends.  I brought in the New Year with friends and my son.  It was really fun.  For the first time in nearly 4 years I actually stayed up until midnight.  I normally just DVR the ball dropping and watch it the next day. Hey, I'm a mom it's allowed!  Later that month I went out to a club/Bar for the first time really, ever.  It was fun.  Drank too much, Danced too much, lost a few games of pool.  Woke up the next day feeling awful.  I have had less than 5 true hangovers in my life, that being one of them.  Overall it was a blast. 
That night I danced with a boy in my drunken stupor and even ended up kind of dating him for the first few months of the year.  It was a quick but fun little time of life.  It was more of a friendship than anything "romantic" which makes things easier to be happy about later on.  So to you, mystery guy, if you read my blog then thanks.  Even though I swore I hated you for a bit in actuality you were an asset to the year and I wish you the best. 
Moving forward.
My little mini monster got his first taste of organized sports this year as well.  If you don't have children then I assure you the cutest thing is seeing 5-8 children running around in a tiny uniform.  They don't keep score when you are that small, which is good because his team was terrible.  I am not sure soccer is our sport, but we will keep trying until we can find one that he likes.  If we don't...we will eventually find something!
As for a personal accomplishment of my own, this year I completed the Warrior Dash, my time would probably make some of you athletes cry...but I finished it.  It was one of the most difficult things I think I have ever done, but I did it.  I can't wait to do it again in 2014.  Here is a picture of Ashley and I after we finished the race.  You get a complimentary beer upon completion...even though it wasn't my choice brand, after that it tasted heavenly.
In June, Hayden and I went to Colorado with my parents.  It was my first real vacation since I was a teenager. It was a bit emotional for me because my grandparents were there too.  Which wasn't the sad part. Living so far away and being a single mom I am often limited on funds. When you get older you realize the people around you are getting older as well and you never know when you will see them next.  I hope I get more visits, but the God's honest truth is you never really know.
Above is Hayden and mom on the trolley, or as he kept calling it "Charlie".

I believe this is Hayden and I in Utah, but It may be New Mexico...Honestly it all looked the same in the Four corners...I kind of is supposed to.

The Condo we stayed in did not have a blow dryer...and I forgot to bring one. It was probably the best week of my hairs life.  Hayden and I went swimming and as you can see...Mommy burns!

The Panoramic view from in front of the Condo.  Colorado is beautiful guys, I highly Recommend everyone visiting.

Me and the parentals waiting on the Gun Show to start.  Not actual Cowboys and a Saloon
Overall, I do believe that Colorado is a place that Hayden and I will try to visit a few more times in our lifetimes.  My skin, my hair, my everything was so much better.  The air there was amazing. Even though it was summer, it felt heavenly.
June was a just a really fun month for me..also pretty sad.  But we will get around to that.  In June we also went to the circus!  It wasn't quite as fun as the circus' from my childhood...but I was glad that I was able to take my parents to their very first circus.  It is a memory I will remember forever. It helped that I got us some awesome seats too.  This was the same month that one of my very best friends moved about an hour away. was a bittersweet month indeed.

Another birthday came and went for my baby boy.  I can't believe that he has reached 4 so quickly. It seems like yesterday that he was a 6 lb baby who needed me to take care of his every need.  Now, he has found independence, which I know is a good thing.  Everyday my love for him grows so much more.  Everyday he teaches me something new about life.  He is my breath of fresh air. 

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The snowball effect

It occurred to me tonight that no matter what life throws at me, I'm gonna be ok. You may have noticed a trend in this blog. It is a lot of me saying uplifting things to myself...repeatedly. This entry will be no different. 
While watching tv tonight, I noticed a faint snoring sound coming from the other end of the sofa. It appeared as though my little monster had given up on this day and succumbed to slumber. I went over to pick him up and he wrapped his little arms around my neck. The complete blind faith that he had in me to get him safely from point a, the couch, to point b, his bed, was not lost in me. This caused me to think about the last time that I trusted someone some blindly and with so much faith.
This thought, as with many others, always creates a snowball effect on self discoveries. A friend, who meant no harm at all, also helped me realize something. The jist of our conversation was that my first response to hearing relationship problems is a "no nonsense" type. If someone makes a mistake, if there is a major fight, if anything occurs I am the type that says screw it and moves on...which isn't always a bad thing. Mixed with the lack of blind faith and trust poses a problem.
Had I put a little more effort, gave it a little more time, would any of my previous relationships still be current? I honestly hope not. It does make one wonder though. In life, I believe, that everything you do creates an alternate path. There Is the one choice you made and the next that you didn't. An alternate universe if you will.  Which poses the question, what would alternate universe me be like? Would she be married? Would she have a child? Would she wonder about how spectacular her life would have been if she made the opposite choice?
There are few decisions in my life that I regret, but they do exist. My life has been no walk in the park and it continues to have its share of shitty situations. Which brings me to the first line in this entry, no matter what life throws at me I'm going to be ok. We can choose to live in the "what if's" and think about every single way that we have failed or we haven't tried hard enough...but there are rarely any do-overs in life. You kinda just have to take what you've got, the sitiation that you have, and just roll with it.
I may be a 25 year old single mom who has yet to finish her college degree. Who has yet to find the man of her dreams. Who has yet to become fully comfortable in her own skin...but I'm ok with that.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

The ugly truth

There is very little more annoying than looking at old pictures and seeing all the damage you have done to yourself. For me it is especially difficult because I am having to lose the same weight that I lost a mere two years ago. When I first began this blog I was a cheat. I took adepex and that is how I lost all that weight, well here I am two years later with nearly all of it back. The moral of that is it is true what they and exercise is the only sure way to lose weight and keep it off.
I'm not referring to dieting until the weight comes off, I mean an entire life style change. This year for Christmas I have allowed myself to be a little on the selfish side. I have purchased Turbofire and the entire Zumba program.
With the help of some friends and a new outlook on it, I am going to rid myself of this extra weight once and for all. I have no intention of ever seeing the scale with those numbers ever again. Which leads me into my firat proposition...
After the first of the year,  I am tossing my scale. It is a mean little device that has only one purpose in life and that is to reduce confident, strong, and beautiful people into self-loathing jerkfaces. I use the term jerk-face out of love...because honestly, that is what we become. We get focused on the number and we get downright hateful to our bodies. These amazing things that turn caloric intake into fuel to keep us going, that absorbs vitamin D from pure sunlight, our bodies are works of art.
I am probably one of the worst people in my life. No one holds a candle to how I talk to myself. I am disrespectful,  ungrateful, resentful,  and more than one kind of degrading.  If I spoke to someone. else the way that I spoke to myself...I could not only get my ass kick, but surly someone would press charges.  Why do you think we do that? No one has ever told me I was to fat, except for me.
To be honest, I can count the number of times someone (not including myself) has made negative remarks about my weight on my hands. Out of 25 years, those are pretty good numbers. Most people tend to tell me that I am beautiful,  that I am amazing, and that they wish they could have some one of my features. Yet, negative Nancy that I am, I constantly beat myself up over this bodily dismorphia that I have created inside. 
Every year I make the exact same resolution: to lose weight and to love myself...obviously I have failed everytime becuase I am still going to that goal. This year will be different though, because I have all of you. My main support. The ones who lift me up when I fall down. The ones who shower me with compliments when all I want to is hide in a dark room where no one can see me  and most importantly for you that refuse to let me wallow in self pity and move me to get up and be the person that you all fell in love with.
A friend once told me that I inspired her to be fabulous. It is one of the greatest compliments that I have ever received.  I, myself, have forgotten what it feels like to think yourself fabulous. In 2014 I am going to remember, this isn't just about fitting into a smaller pant size or the size of my cheeks when I smile,  its about falling in love with myself.  It's about inspiring people to feel fabulous.  It's about leaving a positive influence to the world. It's about loving the skin yhat you are in.
I plan on blogging more during the upcoming year, holding myself more accountable.  Charting my progress, and showing people that if I can do Iran, anyone can. In my personal life I agve had to demonstrate my strength on moreover than one occasion.  I can do this. So long as I want to, I can accomplish anything.


***authors note: this entry was written via my cell phone. If there are any misspellings or grammatical errors then I wouldn't be surprised. I don't have auto correct, just annoying predict-a-text, and these buttons are rather small.****