Thursday, August 16, 2012

Keeper of the Stars

The most important day of my life is in just a few hours. (August 17th 9:57am)  I'm both excited and sad.  It seems so surreal that just 3 years ago I gave birth to the person who would change my entire life.  Words cannot explain how much that little boy means to me, not entirely.  I do believe that a single parents love for their child is much stronger than a married couples.  Now before all you married folks out there get your knickers in twist, allow me to explain.  I am both mother and father to my son.  Which means I have a mothers and a fathers love. Married parents don't have that kind of love.  They have one or the other because they have the other to fill what they cannot.  As a single parent you have to adapt and adjust to what your child isn't getting from the other parent.  Does this mean that married parents love their children less than single parents? Absolutely not!  That isn't what I'm saying at all.  I am merely stating that single parents have a different possibly deeper love for their children.  It has to be.  It has to be more, the child needs it.

I can remember my labor process almost perfectly, I will not go into it though.  But there is so much about that day that I will carry with me forever.  The moment the nurse placed Hayden on my stomach when he was first out of the womb and I said "Hi, baby" and he just stopped crying and we just stared at each other. 

That picture means so much to me.  It's a moment that every mother dreams of.  The first time you lay eyes on that beautiful little person who you have been growing and learning to love for the last 9 months.  It becomes real.  You can see their little eyes, their little noses, hold their little hands.  It's such a magical moment that I wish for every woman. 

At 9:57 am, August 17th 2009, my world was complete.  I held everything that I could ever possibly need in my arms.  This picture is how we have remained.  Mommy and baby, taking care of each other.  It hasn't been easy, but I am so glad I have had the experience.  It's not ideal, everyone wishes for the perfect family where they mommy and daddy are happily in love, two car garage, soccer practice, the whole nine yards...but for many women this is not the reality.  Their reality is working 40+ hours a week, driving over 30 miles away for work, having no social life, no love life, barely enough money to scrap by, and the happiest little smile waiting for them every day.

My reality is beyond what I could have ever thought.  I struggle, but in these last 3 years, I haven't regretted one moment with him.  That little boy is my world, my everything.  I don't need anything else so long as I have him.  My baby boy turns 3 tomorrow.  He is growing faster than my mind can comprehend.  This mommy has so many emotions that I can't even form a rational thought half the time. 

That little boy has been my light in a world of darkness.  I was never a wild person, but he keeps me grounded.  My eye is on the prize.  A child raises your standards on everything, or at least they should.  My cup runneth over. There are so many more memories to be made in our future, you can bet I look forward to them all.  The good, and the bad.  I am a different person now.  I'm a better person.

It was no accident me finding you
Someone had a hand in it
Long before we ever knew
Now I just can't believe you're in my life
Heaven's smilin' down on me
As I look at you tonight

I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars
He sure knew what he was doin'
When he joined these two hearts
I hold everything
When I hold you in my arms
I've got all I'll ever need
Thanks to the keeper of the stars

Soft moonlight on your face oh how you shine
It takes my breath away
Just to look into your eyes
I know I don't deserve a treasure like you
There really are no words
To show my gratitude

So I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars
He sure knew what he was doin'
When he joined these two hearts
I hold everything
When I hold you in my arms
I've got all I'll ever need
Thanks to the keeper of the stars

It was no accident me finding you
Someone had a hand in it
Long before we ever knew

Happy Birthday Baby
(a day early, but that's ok)

Thursday, August 9, 2012

When a man loves a woman

This song stirs up all sorts of emotions in me. THIS is what it's supposed to be like. Where are those men at? It's all about unconditional love, once you find are complete.

The inner romantic in all of you will hopefully come out with this song.  How can it not?  What woman doens't want a man that would do anything for her, put up with all her crazy, and just support her when she needs it?  Every woman wants that, every woman wants the man that can protect you from harm, put you first, and make you feel like no matter what you do he will always think of you as a beautiful, smart, amazing woman. 

There are so many things I want in a man...I think if you understand this song, you know exactly what I am looking for.

Enjoy, if you have a spouse get up and dance.  Enjoy eachother.


Saturday, August 4, 2012

Good things come to those who wait

I am excited to announce that it's official...I am divorced.  No longer a married feels great!  It has been a long time in the making though, it's been over a year that we have been separated.  I know I have made a blog about it before but I need to make another one.  So please bare with me if you have already read about this in a previous entry, but it's an important subject.

My marriage was built on sand, very unstable.  I never loved my husband.  I can admit that now.  Our relationship was anything but healthy. I was so unhappy with myself that I allowed myself to become something I am not.  When you allow yourself to get in such a dark place, bad things happen.  I was over 200 lbs, I had just lost my job, I was a newly single mother, and this man came along.  He told me everything I thought I wanted to hear.  I could tell there were problems before we got married, but I did nothing. I felt as though I had to just deal with it because I was unworthy of anything better. 

The arguments started rather quickly.  To him it was always a competition between him and Hayden's dad.  He wanted to come over every night and every morning before work.  Big red flag right?  You would think.  When I was at work, I was to be texting him, on my lunch break I was to call him, if I didn't call him as soon as I got off work there was an argument.  I wasn't allowed to walk down the street alone.  I couldn't go hang out with friends or even co-workers.  My life was miserable.  I thought it would be better when we got married, but this is never a smart thought.  If that thought crosses your mind please take it as a huge flag.  Things that are bad do not improve once marriage happens. 

Before I knew it I was deep into a pit of misery.  I wasn't supposed to lose weight because then men may notice me.  I am 5'2, being 200 lbs is very unhealthy for anyone that size.  If I did not want to have sex every night there was a huge argument.  My life was pure hell.  I had to delete my facebook, change my cell phone number, and heaven forbid if I saw a male I knew while walking in walmart or something.  I had no idea that I was in an abusive relationship.

You, or at least I, always think of abuse in the physical sense.  It is so much deeper than that.  There is mental abuse and we tend to forget about it.  The man I married was incredibly possessive, controlling, and emotionally abusive.  At times borderline physically abusive.  I remember one occasion when I was leaving for work, he claimed it was to early and I was really meeting someone else, he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, held me against a wall, and got right in my face and started yelling. I was physically restrained from leaving on more than one occasion.  It was very scary. 

When I made the decision that I had enough, a weight instantly lifted.  For days my phone was constantly getting blown up with phone calls and texts. Finally it stopped.  Finally I was done.  Finally I am free.  The point in this blog is that if you or anyone you know may be in a relationship like the one I was in, then please get help.  It is very unhealthy.  There isn't one part of me that doesn't believe that if I stayed in that relationship that it would have branched into physically abusive and maybe even worse.  It may have been the longest year of my life, but the tears that threatened to fall as soon as I saw the judges signature on those papers today, they were further proof that I had made the right decision.

I won't lie and say it came easy, even being in a loveless marriage it was still hard to leave.  You get used to a person, you start to believe the awful things they tell you.  You get brainwashed.  One day you have to make the decision to pull your head up and get some air.  Dating has been more difficult because of my experience.  I am ok with that.  I just wish that I could find someone who would understand my damaged past a little and cut me some slack...but that's a blog for a different day.


Friday, August 3, 2012

Fly like an Eagle...

If you want to be spectacular, you have to work for it.  No one said a life worth a story telling would be easy.  You have to bust your ass to make it fabulous.  On average women tend to put themselves last at everything.  Whatever we are feeling, what we want to do, hell even what we want to eat...we put everyone else ahead of ourselves.  It's pure instinct I believe. 

I have enrolled for the spring semester of college.  It's about time I start living the life I will be proud of, one that my son will be proud of.  I want to get my degree and finish college because I want him to do the same.  Studies show that children whose parents attend and finish college are more likely to do the same.  I want a great career, I want to be able to do something, make a difference.  I want to change lives.

For those of you who have participated in the "Save Chick-fil-a" stuff, please do me a favor and unfriend me on facebook now.  Delete my number from your cell phone, and just remove yourself from my life.  I am ok with people having opinions and you are entitled to your own, I just don't think I could have people in my life who wouldn't want everyone in the world to feel the love they feel for their spouse, or the love they hope to feel one day.  I can't associate with people who wouldn't want everyone to feel that way regardless if they feel that way for someone of the same sex.  I don't care what the bible says, I don't care what everyone thinks God has said. I don't care.  If God doesn't like it that's his problem.  I will live my life according to how I think is right.  I don't believe denying people love, human rights, and equality is right.  No God I believe in would ever do that to anyone.

I am willing to take the change of not getting into heaven, if God so chooses, to help people feel love and warmth and like they belong down here.  I don't know what's going to happen when I die, I can't control it. To base how I act on a book that was written, re-written, translated more times than imaginable, and not even 100 perfect insane.  I don't understand how some scripture can be followed to a t but others get to slide by.   I would rather take my beliefs for equality and love for the entire human race over some fear of the unknown.  I am willing to take that chance.

I want my son to grow up to believe that everyone is deserving to find their true love, regardless if they have the same anatomy or now.  All we need is love, right?

I want to get a Bachelors in Sociology.  The study of people.  I want to try to understand how people can feel one way but choose to see a situation in another way out of fear of the unknown.  Not that I will ever find that one out b/c I don't even think the people themselves fully understand that concept. My career intentions are to work for DHS, to help single mothers, like myself, that don't qualify for anything.  I want to show them that it is possible to make something of yourself without government help.  It's ten times more hard, but it can be done.

Life hands you lemons, sometimes he hands you more than the next person...but with a little TLC and hard can make the best lemonade b/c you have more ingredients ;)

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

90 Day Challenge

The first day of the month is always a good and easy starting point for a challenge. My challenge for myself is to do my P90X. I have had it for months now and have still yet to fully commit to it. As I sit here I can feel my thighs expanding, my belly growing, another chin forming.

My routine was shattered after my accident. I was doing so good, then I just stopped. Some out of pain but mostly out of laziness. I'm hoping pain will subside if I shrink a little and build up muscle that will better hold me together. My diet isn't all the great at the moment. Tomorrow is thirsty Thursday and I fully intend to share my water intake and make sure I drink enough.

Once I complete this blog I am going to pop in core synergistics, without the resistance bands. They are in my room somewhere and I don't feel like rummaging to find them. Thats ok. Try and remember when it comes to dieting that it doesn't matter how many times you fall off the wagon or have to start over, keep moving forward.

There is a phenomenal site out there that I have been stalking, it's and it has so many different recipes for naturally flavored water and the health benefits. Check it out when you have some time!

I ordered a laptop for school yesterday and it will be at my house tomorrow!/9 my blogging will step up a bit. It's rather difficult to post from your phone. I have decided to return to my studies in January and pursue a degree in sociology. You must have goals, without them life gets boring.

As far as the dating scene...we shall see how it goes. With out giving away to much information I am rather intrigued at the moment. You all know me, not settling for anything less than anything. So far so good :)

Off to sweat my ass off...and I'm not excited at all.