Monday, November 12, 2012

My advice pool-e

Just like you can't judge a relationship by the end result. Many people, including myself, see a happily married couple and begin to drool with envy. It's so easy to overlook what a couple has been through compared to where they are. The truth is many of them have struggled to get where they are. Falling in love, forming a lasting relationship, building a marriage, it all takes work that is easy to look over.
My best friend has a wonderful marriage and a husband that really is her other half. I won't put all her business out there but it wasn't an overnight journey to achieve that. They had problems, but they built on them . When I look for a partner, I often use her relationship as a reference point. The problem with this is I look at the right now, not the whole story. I want the perfect match and soul mate from the start off.
Also, what some will put up with in a relationship, others won't. How do we decide who is worth fighting for and who isn't? Here are a few things I have learned from my many failed relationships. Hopefully you will learn from them too.

1. If you say or think it will fail, it will.
I am notorious for saying phrases like "your next girlfriend" or "if you keep me around", although sometimes I am joking many others I'm not. I am fishing. From what I've noticed...never a good move.

2. If you've been dating them for less than two months and they start talking about spending forever with you...don't believe it. This happens so much now days. At two months you don't even know each other. How can someone want to spend forever with you if they haven't even spent the night? Which brings me to my next point.

3. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have sex with them until you have been in an exclusive relationship for at least 90 days. Trust me, if a notch on his belt is what he's after he won't wait that long. As Steve Harvey puts it, you don't qualify for benefits at work until 90 says so you shouldn't give benefits until then.

4. Don't settle. In the beginning of every relationship you notice things you don't like about a person, they often get overlooked for various reasons. Stop that. Go with your gut, if it tells you something isn't right then it's not. When you overlook their flaws they get the upper hand and you end up heart broken.

Every relationship is different. Does that mean these simple rules will work for you? No, but it wouldn't hurt to try them. These are a few mistakes that I have made in my relationships. More to come because I have made so many.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Act like a lady, think like a man.

If there is one thing I can emphasize to all the women out there who are dating it is read all the self help books you can. Don't follow them verbatim but it is beneficial to at least read them. My two personal favorites are: He's Just Not That Into You and Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. Both have been made into movies for your viewing pleasure.
I say that reading these are important because, although every relationship is different and their are a few exceptions to the rule, most of us do fit into the category of the rule. One thing that both of those books stress is to trust your gut. Many of us (most) don't listen to this. I know I am guilty of it every time I date. You get that feeling where they do something you don't like and you look past it as maybe it will change or maybe it's not what you's always what you think.
In Steve Harvey's book he stresses the fact that you cannot change a man. A man will only change for one woman and chances are if you are unhappy, you're not the woman.
One thing I have personally learned about myself is that I date jerks. I have discovered the reasoning behind it as well. I don't think I deserve guys that have a lot to offer. If they own their own house, have a degree, a decent job, I feel as though I am not good enough. Which in reality those are the guys I should aim for. The more reason women date jerks is they don't think high enough about themselves. Well it's time I start thinking more of myself. Start seeing me how others see me.
I am letting my friends pick my dates from now on. This should be interesting. I will blog about the adventures.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Keeper of the Stars

The most important day of my life is in just a few hours. (August 17th 9:57am)  I'm both excited and sad.  It seems so surreal that just 3 years ago I gave birth to the person who would change my entire life.  Words cannot explain how much that little boy means to me, not entirely.  I do believe that a single parents love for their child is much stronger than a married couples.  Now before all you married folks out there get your knickers in twist, allow me to explain.  I am both mother and father to my son.  Which means I have a mothers and a fathers love. Married parents don't have that kind of love.  They have one or the other because they have the other to fill what they cannot.  As a single parent you have to adapt and adjust to what your child isn't getting from the other parent.  Does this mean that married parents love their children less than single parents? Absolutely not!  That isn't what I'm saying at all.  I am merely stating that single parents have a different possibly deeper love for their children.  It has to be.  It has to be more, the child needs it.

I can remember my labor process almost perfectly, I will not go into it though.  But there is so much about that day that I will carry with me forever.  The moment the nurse placed Hayden on my stomach when he was first out of the womb and I said "Hi, baby" and he just stopped crying and we just stared at each other. 

That picture means so much to me.  It's a moment that every mother dreams of.  The first time you lay eyes on that beautiful little person who you have been growing and learning to love for the last 9 months.  It becomes real.  You can see their little eyes, their little noses, hold their little hands.  It's such a magical moment that I wish for every woman. 

At 9:57 am, August 17th 2009, my world was complete.  I held everything that I could ever possibly need in my arms.  This picture is how we have remained.  Mommy and baby, taking care of each other.  It hasn't been easy, but I am so glad I have had the experience.  It's not ideal, everyone wishes for the perfect family where they mommy and daddy are happily in love, two car garage, soccer practice, the whole nine yards...but for many women this is not the reality.  Their reality is working 40+ hours a week, driving over 30 miles away for work, having no social life, no love life, barely enough money to scrap by, and the happiest little smile waiting for them every day.

My reality is beyond what I could have ever thought.  I struggle, but in these last 3 years, I haven't regretted one moment with him.  That little boy is my world, my everything.  I don't need anything else so long as I have him.  My baby boy turns 3 tomorrow.  He is growing faster than my mind can comprehend.  This mommy has so many emotions that I can't even form a rational thought half the time. 

That little boy has been my light in a world of darkness.  I was never a wild person, but he keeps me grounded.  My eye is on the prize.  A child raises your standards on everything, or at least they should.  My cup runneth over. There are so many more memories to be made in our future, you can bet I look forward to them all.  The good, and the bad.  I am a different person now.  I'm a better person.

It was no accident me finding you
Someone had a hand in it
Long before we ever knew
Now I just can't believe you're in my life
Heaven's smilin' down on me
As I look at you tonight

I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars
He sure knew what he was doin'
When he joined these two hearts
I hold everything
When I hold you in my arms
I've got all I'll ever need
Thanks to the keeper of the stars

Soft moonlight on your face oh how you shine
It takes my breath away
Just to look into your eyes
I know I don't deserve a treasure like you
There really are no words
To show my gratitude

So I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars
He sure knew what he was doin'
When he joined these two hearts
I hold everything
When I hold you in my arms
I've got all I'll ever need
Thanks to the keeper of the stars

It was no accident me finding you
Someone had a hand in it
Long before we ever knew

Happy Birthday Baby
(a day early, but that's ok)

Thursday, August 9, 2012

When a man loves a woman

This song stirs up all sorts of emotions in me. THIS is what it's supposed to be like. Where are those men at? It's all about unconditional love, once you find are complete.

The inner romantic in all of you will hopefully come out with this song.  How can it not?  What woman doens't want a man that would do anything for her, put up with all her crazy, and just support her when she needs it?  Every woman wants that, every woman wants the man that can protect you from harm, put you first, and make you feel like no matter what you do he will always think of you as a beautiful, smart, amazing woman. 

There are so many things I want in a man...I think if you understand this song, you know exactly what I am looking for.

Enjoy, if you have a spouse get up and dance.  Enjoy eachother.


Saturday, August 4, 2012

Good things come to those who wait

I am excited to announce that it's official...I am divorced.  No longer a married feels great!  It has been a long time in the making though, it's been over a year that we have been separated.  I know I have made a blog about it before but I need to make another one.  So please bare with me if you have already read about this in a previous entry, but it's an important subject.

My marriage was built on sand, very unstable.  I never loved my husband.  I can admit that now.  Our relationship was anything but healthy. I was so unhappy with myself that I allowed myself to become something I am not.  When you allow yourself to get in such a dark place, bad things happen.  I was over 200 lbs, I had just lost my job, I was a newly single mother, and this man came along.  He told me everything I thought I wanted to hear.  I could tell there were problems before we got married, but I did nothing. I felt as though I had to just deal with it because I was unworthy of anything better. 

The arguments started rather quickly.  To him it was always a competition between him and Hayden's dad.  He wanted to come over every night and every morning before work.  Big red flag right?  You would think.  When I was at work, I was to be texting him, on my lunch break I was to call him, if I didn't call him as soon as I got off work there was an argument.  I wasn't allowed to walk down the street alone.  I couldn't go hang out with friends or even co-workers.  My life was miserable.  I thought it would be better when we got married, but this is never a smart thought.  If that thought crosses your mind please take it as a huge flag.  Things that are bad do not improve once marriage happens. 

Before I knew it I was deep into a pit of misery.  I wasn't supposed to lose weight because then men may notice me.  I am 5'2, being 200 lbs is very unhealthy for anyone that size.  If I did not want to have sex every night there was a huge argument.  My life was pure hell.  I had to delete my facebook, change my cell phone number, and heaven forbid if I saw a male I knew while walking in walmart or something.  I had no idea that I was in an abusive relationship.

You, or at least I, always think of abuse in the physical sense.  It is so much deeper than that.  There is mental abuse and we tend to forget about it.  The man I married was incredibly possessive, controlling, and emotionally abusive.  At times borderline physically abusive.  I remember one occasion when I was leaving for work, he claimed it was to early and I was really meeting someone else, he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, held me against a wall, and got right in my face and started yelling. I was physically restrained from leaving on more than one occasion.  It was very scary. 

When I made the decision that I had enough, a weight instantly lifted.  For days my phone was constantly getting blown up with phone calls and texts. Finally it stopped.  Finally I was done.  Finally I am free.  The point in this blog is that if you or anyone you know may be in a relationship like the one I was in, then please get help.  It is very unhealthy.  There isn't one part of me that doesn't believe that if I stayed in that relationship that it would have branched into physically abusive and maybe even worse.  It may have been the longest year of my life, but the tears that threatened to fall as soon as I saw the judges signature on those papers today, they were further proof that I had made the right decision.

I won't lie and say it came easy, even being in a loveless marriage it was still hard to leave.  You get used to a person, you start to believe the awful things they tell you.  You get brainwashed.  One day you have to make the decision to pull your head up and get some air.  Dating has been more difficult because of my experience.  I am ok with that.  I just wish that I could find someone who would understand my damaged past a little and cut me some slack...but that's a blog for a different day.


Friday, August 3, 2012

Fly like an Eagle...

If you want to be spectacular, you have to work for it.  No one said a life worth a story telling would be easy.  You have to bust your ass to make it fabulous.  On average women tend to put themselves last at everything.  Whatever we are feeling, what we want to do, hell even what we want to eat...we put everyone else ahead of ourselves.  It's pure instinct I believe. 

I have enrolled for the spring semester of college.  It's about time I start living the life I will be proud of, one that my son will be proud of.  I want to get my degree and finish college because I want him to do the same.  Studies show that children whose parents attend and finish college are more likely to do the same.  I want a great career, I want to be able to do something, make a difference.  I want to change lives.

For those of you who have participated in the "Save Chick-fil-a" stuff, please do me a favor and unfriend me on facebook now.  Delete my number from your cell phone, and just remove yourself from my life.  I am ok with people having opinions and you are entitled to your own, I just don't think I could have people in my life who wouldn't want everyone in the world to feel the love they feel for their spouse, or the love they hope to feel one day.  I can't associate with people who wouldn't want everyone to feel that way regardless if they feel that way for someone of the same sex.  I don't care what the bible says, I don't care what everyone thinks God has said. I don't care.  If God doesn't like it that's his problem.  I will live my life according to how I think is right.  I don't believe denying people love, human rights, and equality is right.  No God I believe in would ever do that to anyone.

I am willing to take the change of not getting into heaven, if God so chooses, to help people feel love and warmth and like they belong down here.  I don't know what's going to happen when I die, I can't control it. To base how I act on a book that was written, re-written, translated more times than imaginable, and not even 100 perfect insane.  I don't understand how some scripture can be followed to a t but others get to slide by.   I would rather take my beliefs for equality and love for the entire human race over some fear of the unknown.  I am willing to take that chance.

I want my son to grow up to believe that everyone is deserving to find their true love, regardless if they have the same anatomy or now.  All we need is love, right?

I want to get a Bachelors in Sociology.  The study of people.  I want to try to understand how people can feel one way but choose to see a situation in another way out of fear of the unknown.  Not that I will ever find that one out b/c I don't even think the people themselves fully understand that concept. My career intentions are to work for DHS, to help single mothers, like myself, that don't qualify for anything.  I want to show them that it is possible to make something of yourself without government help.  It's ten times more hard, but it can be done.

Life hands you lemons, sometimes he hands you more than the next person...but with a little TLC and hard can make the best lemonade b/c you have more ingredients ;)

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

90 Day Challenge

The first day of the month is always a good and easy starting point for a challenge. My challenge for myself is to do my P90X. I have had it for months now and have still yet to fully commit to it. As I sit here I can feel my thighs expanding, my belly growing, another chin forming.

My routine was shattered after my accident. I was doing so good, then I just stopped. Some out of pain but mostly out of laziness. I'm hoping pain will subside if I shrink a little and build up muscle that will better hold me together. My diet isn't all the great at the moment. Tomorrow is thirsty Thursday and I fully intend to share my water intake and make sure I drink enough.

Once I complete this blog I am going to pop in core synergistics, without the resistance bands. They are in my room somewhere and I don't feel like rummaging to find them. Thats ok. Try and remember when it comes to dieting that it doesn't matter how many times you fall off the wagon or have to start over, keep moving forward.

There is a phenomenal site out there that I have been stalking, it's and it has so many different recipes for naturally flavored water and the health benefits. Check it out when you have some time!

I ordered a laptop for school yesterday and it will be at my house tomorrow!/9 my blogging will step up a bit. It's rather difficult to post from your phone. I have decided to return to my studies in January and pursue a degree in sociology. You must have goals, without them life gets boring.

As far as the dating scene...we shall see how it goes. With out giving away to much information I am rather intrigued at the moment. You all know me, not settling for anything less than anything. So far so good :)

Off to sweat my ass off...and I'm not excited at all.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The wish list

The qualities of the perfect man.

Must love dogs
Eat meat (no vegetarians)
Not whiney
Good cook
Must have a good relationship with his family, but NO mamas boys
Like 90's music
No smoking or dipping
Like coffee
Must love kids
Sensitive (but not overly sensitive)
Read books
Like Harry Potter (I'm a nerd)
Will watch Greys Anatomy with me
Must get along with my best friend
Shouldn't take longer than me to get ready.

More to come.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

25 before 25

With my 24th birthday approaching, I have decided it's time to get a list together of 25 things to do before turning 25.

1. Lose 40 lbs
2. Watch every StarWars movie
3. Get a concealed weapons license
4. Go back to College
5. Sing Karaoke in public
6. Go ice skating
7. Read Great Expectations
8. Go out to eat alone
9. Take Hayden to the ocean
10. Run a 5k
11. Go horseback riding
12. Volunteer more
13. Hike a mountain
14. Make a pinterest craft every month
15. Paint a picture
16. Take a mommy only weekend
17. Go to the Memphis Zoo
18. Keep my car clean
19. Take a yoga class
20. Walk in heels (well)
21. Go camping
22. Go dancing
23. Take themed pictures with Hayden every month
24. Visit Altus
25. Get tinted windows for my car

This list is mainly about me. As a mom our everyday lives are about our children and what we can do for them, we often lose sight of ourselves. In order to be a good parent, you have to retain your individuality. You have to be a person, not just a mom. My identity is a mother, but I am also so much more.

Mother is my favorite role, my most important. I feel in order to raise my son right, I have to show him that it isn't my only title. As a parent your world revolves around your child. Example: this post. It was about 25 things I want to do before I turn 25. I have gone off subject and have started talking about being a mom.

So moms, remember to do something for yourselves. You have to have a good balance though. So I hope you al stick with me as I embark on my list. Hopefully by Friday September 13, 2013 I will have crossed off every one of those on the list.

Wish me luck!

Monday, July 9, 2012

Do good things really come to those who wait?

I cheated. I snuck on to Facebook tonight to look around. It was immediately a bad idea. If you set a goal for yourself and you break it, there is always a reminder around the corner on why you wanted that goal in the first place.

Happiness is deserved by everyone. To say I am jealous because someone is undeserving isn't true. I do have a bitter seed inside my soul that is growing though. Seeing all the bridal pictures, beautiful wedding pictures, Facebook relationship status changes from "in a relationship" to "engaged" sparks a tiny flame inside my soul. These people I see deserve happiness, that is undeniable. But don't I deserve it too?

Have I done so much wrong in my Life? been to impatient? Has that made me undeserving? I don't know. Everyone has something that they are so incredibly jealous and envious of...this is mine. I want a happily ever after.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get it. Will I be one of those women that time forgets? Did the stars forget to pick a soul mate for me? Is the other half of my moon stone just blank? I know not a good catch right now. I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can expect anyone else to love me. I do love me...but do I love me enough?

This entry is rather "dark" and deep. More so than previous entries. I'm allowed. I just desperately want my prince charming. I know good things happen to those who wait...but it's already been almost 24 long is this supposed to take?

Sunday, July 8, 2012

It's not's Facebook

Day 1 without logging on to Facebook... New addiction is pinterest. I have become a pinning fool today.

Reason for my sabbatical from Facebook is for a friend who needed to step away for personal reason, so to show support for her. Also, I find that I need to step away also. It completely disgusts me how much of my day I spend on it. And for what? I know when I go back I will delete a lot of people because it does me no good to befriend them.

So stepping newest journey. Wish me luck. My first goal is today. Once today is completed my goal is to make it through the week, then when the week is done two weeks and so on and so on until I feel like going back and taking are of business. Much loce'

Saturday, July 7, 2012

All the pieces

Some days a girl just needs a good cry.  Today has been that day for me.  There is nothing wrong with me, I just have been in the mood for emotions.  I have been youtubing sad tv scenes, movie scenes...I just don't know what's wrong with me today!  This cannot be healthy.  I am sure part of my need to release my emotions is that I don't do it very often.  I suppress so much of what I am feeling for the sake of...I'm not sure really.  I just don't want a lot of peoples pity and frankly I don't want to or have time to deal with it.  So every now and then I suppose a youtube cry fest is needed.

I'm not going to lie, everyone has problems, we all know this. Whether the problem lay in failing in school, losing your job, not being able to have a baby, or not having that ball park home run, world series kind of love.  Everyone is facing something.  If we all just wallow in our own self pity then we forget that everyone else is facing a difficult battle too.  We like to get angry at people who have what we want.  We can deny it all day long but we all do it.  It's human nature. 

A lot of my emotions come from the fact that I am lonely.  I am surrounded by people but I am lonely.  I have been single for over a year now.  I was in a loveless marriage for nearly 6 months and just plain alone.  I joined an online dating site hoping that it would cure some of my problems and maybe help me meet a few nice people.  Well with the good there is always bad.  There have been maybe 3 or 4 Decent people that I have met off the site and the rest are complete creepers.  I do not want to meet a person after two hours of conversation.  I Just don't.  I do not want to cuddle with someone after a week of talking and seeing each other for the first time. I just don't.  I would prefer to chat for a while then do something and please don't mention wanting to cuddle, b/c if you do then you better be content with the cuddling I give you and not complain that I am not cuddling.

Let me explain my annoyance.  I was talking to this guy, seemed super cool over text and what not.  We watched a movie together and he wanted to ok whatever so we did the whole arm around you head on shoulder type thing...but apparently that's not cuddling...he wanted to "lay and cuddle" hello...I am not about to have your penis in my back on the first hang out session.  So needless to say...he left very unhappy and I haven't heard from him since.  Oh well. I must remind them that I am a mother.  The last time I got comfy and cozy on the first few visits I ended up as a single mother.  So I would love if everything this time would go at a snails pace, the men have to be ok with that. 

So far in my ventures I have been messaged by a man and a woman (married couple) wanting to have a threesome...I was flattered...but I had to turn that down.  I have been messaged by men as young as 18...Also flattered but I don't want to play babysitter.  There have been a few men that I have really enjoyed talking to though.  I haven't met any of them but they are very nice conversationalist.  I am trying to keep my options open. I am not going to start chatting with one and cut ties off the site based off a few days of text messaging. This dating experience is about me this time.  Nothing but the truth and not putting up with anything i don't want.  I am going to be picky b/c I can be.  If I end up a spinster I'm cool with it actually.  As much as I want that special person, I will not compromise on anything I find important anymore. 

I am not the girl that has casual sex.  I have entertained the idea but when it boils down I know that I would get attached or find the entire thing weird and the friendship would be over.  I am the jealous type.  I'll admit it.  I can handle "girl" friends and whatnot but if I am going to sleep with someone I don't want to worry about getting tested every month b/c I don't know how many other women they are shacking up with.  To put it plainly...I don't like to share.  What's mine is mine. 
If I enter into a relationship my best friend has to approve of you or at least see room for potential.  This is very important.  I'm not compromising anymore.  I have compromised for men all my life and I am done.

All this does make me pretty emotional because I start to doubt myself.  I have this thing where I need to learn that I am a good catch and that I am beautiful.  I may not be a size two, there is more of me to love and yes I do wiggle, but there has got to be someone out there that will like that...right?  I mean surely, I see large women in relationships all the time. Part of me does seriously think that I am the unfamous relationship equivalent to Jennifer Love Hewitt though. (not looks wise b/c lord knows I would kill for that body) but she can't seem to find a good relationship and looking at her you see no problems. so I think I may be like that...just alone forever. 

youtube and do something productive.  Mr. Right will come along.  All the pieces will fall into place, and life will be spectacular.  I just need to stop watching sappy crap, don't compromise myself for anyone, and hang on to the effin fabulous part of me that I tend to forget about.

A friendship that will never end...

If you've ever watched Boy Meets World you will understand my mush gush that will be on this entry.

Although our roles aren't the same as Cory and Shawn's, but our friendship is the same. I'm all teary eyed and emotional so bear with me. I met my best friend at nine years old. She was this little, blonde haired, blue eyed, shy kid who didn't speak unless spoken to. I remember sitting next to her and the look on her face when I just started rambling...there was no turning back. From that moment on we were inseparable.

I basically lived at her house for the next 6 or 7 years. Her family became my family. I like to think I became that child they loved like their own but they were so glad they weren't the ones who were responsible for me. Although I have no doubt if needed they would have been. It's so unbelievably rare to have a friend whose family becomes your own. Unfortunate for her, my family doesn't live around here so she didn't get the same experience.

Let me clarify what best friend means to me. It doesn't mean that you always like that person, because you won't. It doesn't mean that you will be friends all the time, because you won't. It does mean that you share the same unconditional love that you have for your family. That matter what dumb fight you will have, and you will have plenty, when their name pops up on the caller ID and you get that feeling in your tummy, you'll answer. They may have to leave a voicemail but you will check it and call immediately. When you need them they are there and vice versa.

I suppose I am the Shawn of this story. My family, be it dysfunctional, is no where near Shawn's...but I am the troubled friend and Haley has always had it figured out. She met Corey (pun. Not intended that's his real name) when she was in high school I think but the relationship didn't start until college, so not the same as Cory and Topanga but close enough. Just like Shawn and Topanga, Haley's husband has become my family too.

In adult hood our friendship has clearly evolved. It's a different friendship and it always will be. I love her with all my heart though. The bond we have is like we are family. When we were younger we used to play with these huge Winnie the pooh and toffee stuffed animals and pretend they were real people and they were our boyfriends...we were som crazy kids.

I chose her and Cory to be Hayden's God parents. I truly believe if anything ever happened to me, they would be the best fit. Who better than someone who knows me so completely? Even of nothing does happen to me (hopefully nothing does) they will be the people he can call when he does something stupid and doesn't want to call his mom and let her know. The ones who will go to plays, games, shows, an any other activity. My family isn't
that large. It gained two extra members over the course of nearly two decades.

They say you pick your friends, this is true. Sometimes friendships just happen, sometimes they truly can't be explained. It is true when people at if you can count your true friends on one hand you are doing good...but the truth is...if I can just name one person who you know will always be there for you, you are lucky.

I am very lucky. Now if I could only find the Cory and Topanga kind of love...

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Independence Day

Independence Day for me now symbolizes more than just American gaining Freedom from the British.  For me, Independence day is the day I realized that my marriage was a sham and I needed to get out.  It is the day I reclaimed my independence. 

My marriage was over before it even began.  In fact, it should have never began.  There were so many signs (I've talked about them in a previous post) that I should have just walked away.  I truly believe there comes a point in most womens lives when they become a mother, that they lose themselves.  It's like you are sitting in a large pool and you are treading water.  Without help or someone to throw you a floatie you get very tired and become desparate for something.  Unfortunately for me what I thought was a life vest was merely a 3 dollar floatie with a slow leak. 

The "mom-cycle" as I like to refer to it is the time in a young mothers life when everything she was before she had her baby, leaves.  For was I gained back all the weight I had lost after child birth, I grew my hair back out long and wore it up most the time,  got glasses I hated because they were cheap, stopped wearing make up...just stopped.  For those of you that really know me, you know that makeup is like a drug for me.  I believe that in order to do your best you must feel your best and make up makes you feel pretty.  I do my make up for me, not anyone else though.  You also know that I love my hair shorter, it just looks better.  I love my "emo" glasses and I don't want to be "fat".  I want to be the old fat me...which is slowly coming along.

This day one year ago was the day someone threw me a dependable life vest and my head was finally back above the water.  I could breathe again.  That's the moment I knew that I had to get out of the pool and bring me back.  It has been such a long journey.  Over the last year I have changed considerably. 

(TOP) This was a picture of me at Haydens Second birthday party.  Also pictured is my dear friend Naomi and her beautiful son Bryce.  I already had my hair cut in the picture but I was still so big.

(BOTTOM) This was about two months ago.  As you can see I have gained my independence. I have reclaimed myself.  I got away from the man smothering me and trying to force me into a person I didn't want to be.  I broke out of the "Mom" shell that so many women fall into after child birth.. I am finally reaching a point where i am happy about myself.  I am posting pictures of my self again.  That is huge!!

So however you celebrated Independence day, I hope you did something for yourself.  To ensure your independence as a woman, man, wife, husband, daughter, son...whatever titles you hold. I hope you found a little bit of the you that may have gotten lost or overshadowed by something.

Laters baby!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Belly laughs

During my journey of self discovery I Have learned so much. Things that I like (comedy shows) and things I don't like (clubs). I am a girl that loves to laugh, laughing is like crying though, in the sense that the uglier the face the better the emotion.

When I laugh really hard my face...well I can imagine it doesn't look pleasant. It feels a lot like my ugly cry face to be honest. Those are the gut wrenching belly laughs that are marvelous. Last night, thanks to Tamara and her lack of coffee experience I was rolling. Mainly bc her laugh is so contagious that it made the already funny become beyond hilarious. She probably thinks I am the meanest person in the entire world with how much I was picking on her but hey, I never had a younger sibling...I'm just trying to catch up! Lol

If you haven't seen the video I posted on my Facebook you should take a look at it. That video still has my eye a little sore from laughing so much! The comedy show we attended last night was great! The jokes were funny and the improv was hilarious! I loved it! Although I am floored that grown men have not seen you've got mail...? Really?! True story.

Watching the Titanic scene or the "One Liners" was awesome. There is really nothing more entertaining that improv to me. I loved it when I was in school. It is an excuse to adults to play awesome is that? If you have ever dreamed of being an actor when you were younger you can relate to me love to improv.

I think those boys really should ask my opinion on a few things to do though, people underestimate my comic abilities. The night was a success though. I got to drink Amazing coffee (sit n talks nutty professor=pure bliss) kick a 5'12, 400 lb bald man around ( thanks Adrian!) and hang out with my sister, which you all know I love that.

Sibling bonds as you age is a blog for a different day. Hope all your weekends were just as entertaining! I'm off to go haul dirt into mine and Hayden's imaginary space ship. Yes, actual dirt.

Laters baby!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Isn't it Ironic...don't ya think?

What started off as my "Pamper Mommy" day ended on a bit of a spur note. Let me start from the beginning.

Hayden woke me up at the usual time, between 4:30-5:00 am. We lounged for a minute then I threw my hair up, put on some yoga pants and a tshirt, and off to daycare we went. After dropping him off I stopped at a car wash to rinse off my black stallion. Those car washes never quite get everything but it at least got all the dirt and left over pollen off.

My first appointment was at the dentist where I had my teeth bleached. I never really understood this process but I can assure you I probably won't do it again. The lady put vasaline around my mouth to help it stay "limber" and then I had this contraption put in my mouth that reminded me of Patrick Starfish. An insane amount of gauze and cotton rolls were then placed into my mouth to protect all the tissue from getting burnt. A gel was applied to my gums to further protect them. Then the real fun began. The bleach was placed on my teeth and then I was moved to a sitting position of 15 so that the special light could work the bleach. This process was repeated 3 times after this. Dental chairs are not comfortable by any means. My head still hurts. After you get your teeth whitened the twinging pain you have in your teeth...almost as bad as child birth. Seriously.

Second stop was to lunch with some former coworkers. It was a pleasant experience. Some people will never change, that was proven. The things that I once did to people really do bother me now. It can be pretty hurtful to hear things. I put on a really great game face but I'll admit it here on my blog: I don't know whether to let my feelings get hurt or feel flattered that people remember Facebook posts I made months ago and still make fun of them. There is something you have to understand about my former coworkers, they love to laugh...sometimes at other peoples expense. I am aware that I still am part of the laughter...and like I said sometimes I don't know whether or not to be offended or flattered. I can tell you that I am glad that now they are just friends and not coworkers. That environment is something I am so glad I am not around all the time. A girl gets sensitive occasionally.

Next stop, hair! This was my favorite stop of the day. The lady that do my hair was amazing! If you need a hair cut, decent priced, great conversation, then go to Sam at Alter Image Salon in Cabot. She is remarkable! I showed her a picture and for the first time a hair stylist actually explain to me why my hair won't look this way or behave that way and how I can best fake it. I was floored by that! This was information I knew about my hair over the years but no stylist has ever said it! I loved her honesty and by her telling me and telling me what I can do to combat it has helped me with styling! I love it, I will be returning when it comes time for a trim.

Next, I went to Walmart...nothing to eventful there. Moving on: eye doctors. My vision has got suprise to me. Th eye doctor also was very helpful and I do like that office as well. 450 dollars later and I was on my way out (custom contact lenses and new lenses for my glasses) I went out to my car...put the key in the ignition...and...nothing. It wouldn't start! My brand new car I got on March! My 2012 Nissan wouldn't freaking start !oooooh I was angry! Long story short: I'm in a rental car (2012 Nissan Altima) until they can figure out what is wrong with my car. I am enjoying the fully loaded rental car though.

That was my yet upsetting. Something bad always has to happen when you get good.

I know this was long and not like my other posts but Oh we'll. And yes my disclaimer: I am not an English major, I do not write professionally, this blog contains grammatical errors as well as spelling errors...that's ok. I don't care much to make it perfect, you want perfect read a book.


Sunday, June 10, 2012

Time to change...

There has been quite an unnoticed absence on my part. There is no explanation...just slacking.

I have fallen off of the bandwagon do many times it's insane. This blog started off as a weight loss blog but I failed at that, slowly it turned into just a regular blog. All in all that is fine too. Weight loss is more than just counting calories, exercising, eating healthy, and measuring. In order to get maximum results you must be able to release your emotions so that you will not resort to food.

In August it will be a year since my weight loss journey started. I have not lost as much by now as I had hoped...and that is ok. I do have hope for my weight to be back down and my pre-pregnancy jeans to fit by November. Dieting isn't a temporary thing, it's a lifestyle change.

I started a support group on Facebook for weightloss and overall health. People can give tips, encouragement to others, and vent on their moments of weakness to get support from others. Although, most don't comment I know that it helps me to be able to throw it all out there and just be real with people. Accountability is what helps me.

I have also started to assemble my race for the cure team. I am so very excited about that! In preparation for this event my sister and I are going to start walking a few nights a week. I encourage you all to do something similar. Grab a few friends and just head out a few nights. Walking is the best exercise you can do.

My thoughts tend to be very scatterbrained. Onto the next one: I am considering having my own coat drive for the winter. I would probably hold it in mid October. Please let me know of you are interested in helping to organize it or if you would like to donate. It will be more so a winter clothing drive. I really feel as though volunteer work is something I want to get more involved it.

When people consider change in Their lifestyles, they mostly consider their physical appearance. Dieting, hair styles, tanning, and other superficial things. I am going to a full min and body make over. You cannot expect to change one without the other. please remember that. It is very important to give back, to do something more than merely walking along in life. You don't have to be incredible to do incredible things. Jut because you aren't the smallest, don't have the best legs, biggest breast, greatest job, it doesn't matter. The foot print you leave on the world can be bigger than you ever imagined. Just be sure to give back.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Stop the assholes about we all stop being such assholes to one another?! When did it get this way? For example: you see someone you know at Walmart, they see you. You turn away and keep walking. Would it kill any of us to freaking smile and wave? Or at least smile!? I'm not excluding myself from this either. From this moment on I vow that if I see any of you and I recognize you I will smile at least! And if I know you see me and then you advert your eyes quickly be prepared for me to walk right up to you and force you to have a simple conversation with me. So you decide: get your head out of your ass and smile or be forced to talk to me. I dont care which one but this has gone on far to long.

I'm a nice person. I'm done. So take this as a warning. Wave or chat. And I promise to do the same. Take this challenge with me. Let's stop the assholes and most importantly let's not join them.

Monday, April 9, 2012

10 things.

One thing I have learned about myself over the years is...I really do know who I am. A lot of people walk around every day with no real sense of what or hi they are. I on the other hand, know myself. I know my fears, why motivates me, what I can handle, how I am going to react to a situation, what I want to do...I know me. So, being inspired from a YouTube vlog craze going on right now I have decide to blog 10 things you might not know about me. So here goes:

1. I can not whistle. I have never been able to. Many people have tried to tech me but I fail miserably. I can make all sorts of other noises but if my life came down to whistling...I'd die.
2. I hate Black Eyed Peas...the food AND the band. Both disgust me.
3. I am a very creative person. I can write a poem or a short story about anything. I can take a picture of anything beautiful and make it better. And I love to make things...whether or not those are good depends!
4. I do not know how to swim. Well not enough to save my life if needed. Never learned, I don't like my face under water and my feet to not touch.
5. I believe in Ghosts...and they scare the snot out of me. That's the reason I am scare of the dark. I still have to hurry in bed out of fear that my ankles will get grabbed.
6. I am flexible. I can't put my feet behind my head or anything but I can reach at least 6 inches past my feet while sitting down and my fingers can touch the back of my wrist...that looks really gross though.
7. My favorite color is green. It's the color of my eyes, money, avocados, an I just love it. Best color in the world.
8. I am a hopeless romantic. I am not the damsel in distress kind of girl but I do fancy the occasional romance. I am a sucker for romantic comedies and I do get a bit emotional while reading/watching them
9. I listen to every kind of music. If I can sing along to it, bob my head, make up my own words...I like it. Which makes me a real easy road trip buddy :)
10. I am a complete mess. My desk at work has to be cleaned every night before I leave or I have a panic attack lol but my car has papers all over from my sons school and my room has clothes everywhere. I constantly misplace my debit card, I forget to text back...I'm a mess, a very forgetful mess.

I hope you all learned a thing or two. I have many random facts about myself but those are the very first ten that popped into my mind. If you read this feel free to reply with ten random facts about you :)

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

He who strengthens me...

What would happen if I asked God to take over my life? What would happen? If I stopped and just listened to that voice in my mind telling me what to do, would life be easier? It seems to me that fighting g that voice has only created problems for me. Then again had I listened I wouldn't have my son, and he is the greatest gift of all.
I keep telling myself that I want to start going back to church and I want my son to grow up in a strong faith based home. Since I am his sole caregiver and his biological father has abandoned all hope of having a relationship with him, I have to be the leader of my household. I have I be strong and he will be strong. I wants son to avoid all the trials and tribulations that I have had to discover on my own without listening to God.
I am still on my cebatical of no men. I intend to keep that. I have made it this far I can make it the rest of the way. I need to strengthen my relationship with the LORD. Once I do that I truly believe that everything else will just fall into place. So I ask you all to pray for me, pray for my strength to step up and be a spiritual leader, my strength to fully confide in God. I need a lot of prayers to help get this right. I need to get my faith back, back and strong.

I know God has a plan and a reason for everything, and its not for me to understand. I just wish I had a little insight as to his plans for everything he has thrown at my son. To be so young and have a dad who has treated him the way he has...I just...I wish I knew why. I pray constantly that I will have the right words when my son asks me about why...please God give me the answer when the time comes...

Sunday, March 18, 2012


What an eventful 48 hours I have had. Friday on the way home from work I got into a car accident. It was completely my fault. I wasn't paying enough attention to what I was doing. Everyone thinks they are immune to something and youre not. I though "it won't happen to me" and it did. Luckily I was not seriously injured and neither was the person I smashed into. I will say that I am relieved I hit a man with a truck who was by himself. It occurred to me that my lack of attention could have costed me or someone else their life. Had I hit a motorcycle or a small car with a baby in it...idk it just makes me sick to think about How stupid I was.

I spent most of my Saturday shopping for a new car because mine was totaled and I had liability only. So I am now the owner of a 2012 Nissan Sentra. It's a nice car and I am excited to have it...just not under the current circumstance. They had to order it because it seems like now days car lots only keep the super loaded cars there...I don't need super loaded...I just need semi loaded. So I should have it by Wednesday. I have a loaner car until then.

I just want to express how important road safety is. Keep your cell phones away from you while driving. Whatever it is can wait until you reach where you are going or until you make a pit stop. The lives that could be at stake for you checking that one message or dialing that one number is simply not worth it.

I held it together until my dad showed up and then I just cried and cried, pulled it back together and then when I got home and saw my son (who was not in the car with me) I just lost it. I held him and I just cried. I couldn't help but think about the what if...and I should think about them. It's important to know how lucky I was and all the damage that I could have caused.

I have included a few pictures of my injuries which aren't much at all. Just fr the airbags. I will post pictures of the car when I see it.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Before starting P90X

This is my before P90X post. These pictures are about a month old and I have actually gained one lb since this picture. I actually like these pictures though. For those of you who have been following along you know that this is far from the beginning of my weight loss journey. I started at the end of August weighing in at roughly 205. I kick started my journey with phentermine, which if your bmi is high enough your doctor may prescribe it to you.

One important thing to remember when you are losing weight is that be Leary of people who come out of the woodwork. Naturally you will spark more interest from the opposite sex, but it's not always good interest. Be sure to keep the friends you have because friends tend to not wear the same rose colored glasses as we do. Just trust me on this one.

I have always been chunky...or at least I always thought so. Looking back I can see how people thought I was nuts. What I am trying to say here is that your self image is much worse than everyone else sees you. You are your worst critic. If you start losing weight make sure it's because you want to. Not because you want someone else to like you or pay attention to you. The only way you will successfully lose weight and keep it off is if you are doing it To make yourself happy.

So like I said, I ordered P90X the other day and the tracking says I will probably receive it tomorrow. I haven't fully decided if I will start the day I get it...but then again this is about throwing all the excuses I know out to the wind. I need to buckle down and get serious. It's time for a change. I need to be on shape enough to kep up with my son as he grows.

I am thinking about starting a YouTube video blog to go along with my 90 day P90X challenge. I will let you all know what I decide.

Love ya mean it!

Thursday, March 8, 2012


Well I accidentally ordered this. I say accident yea, don't judge. So I shall take it as a sign and when it comes in my 90 day challenge will begin. Get ready.

Monday, February 20, 2012

What can I say?

I want to find that all consuming, breath taking, heart wrenching love. Do you think it still exists?

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Saving Me

It's very easy to lose yourself in the hustle of being a mommy.  Some women can perfectly balance motherhood and a social life while others, like me, have to work for it.  I am one of the types that get over come with mommy guilt.  I have decided that what is best for my child and myself is for us to have a little more time apart than just daycare and work.  So I have vowed that once a month I will have a girly night.  I am still on my no boys until 24 kick. So far so good.

The really good thing about vowing not to enter a relationship for a while is you weed out a lot of people who don't really deserve you.  Some men get very impatient.  I want a man who will be ok with taking this slow.  Until I find him, I'm never going to settle, so I will enjoy the freedom.  2012 is all about saving me.  This is the year that I learn to balance my social life with being a mom.  I have pushed myself aside for nearly 3 years now.  It's time I get myself back.  I am already down 35 lbs. Which is fabulous, not good enough but it is great.  I still have at least 40 lbs to go before I am satisfied.

So Last night was my first Girls night of the year.  I got to hang out with two beautiful ladies as we watched two funny guys put on a wonderful show.  It was the most fun I have had this year.  This year has just begun though so I have plenty more opportunities to make fun memories like this one.  Which also brings me to say if you haven't been to the Sit n Talk Coffee shop in Beebe you really need to go.  Not only is the coffee AMAZING the entertainment is pretty good also.  I have only been once but I have a feeling I will be more often.  I can't wait until I can be there for a karaoke night.  Hello, super fun right there! I feel like I need to brush up on my boy band dance moves though...hmmm

 I made some resolutions at the beginning of the year that I am ashamed to say I am already slacking on.  One in particular was to take more pictures.  I feel as though I have completely failed on that one.  Another is to do more philanthropy work, also failed.  So the year is still young, I have time to get back on track.  I can take pictures of everything, aim to do better in the world, talk to a few more strangers, and just be a better and more positive person to be around.  That has been my goal all along.  I love to talk to people, I can talk about anything and everything.  I am a pretty social person if I do say so myself, and I like to think that I am friendly.  It seems like a talent to me, some people can touch their noses to their tongue and I can start a conversation with anyone.  So it's time I put my talents to use. 

Saving me isn't just a slogan that I came up with for my year, it's a lifestyle change.  When you aren't happy with something you need to change it.  You only have one life, once chance, you are either going to make it worth while or not.  I never want to be the person who settles for less than spectacular again.  I want it all.  I happen to think I deserve it also.  So I challenge you to save yourself.  Even if you think you haven't lost yourself, just dig a little deeper and figure out what in your life could be better or that you would change completely and do it.  When all else fails remember to always Go with God :)

Friday, February 3, 2012

Let go and let God

I have this pattern. It leads me to crappy men. I promised myself on my last birthday that I wouldn't get in a relationship, so far I've been dancing on the line. The thing is that guys are a waste of time. A friend of mine face me some great insight. He is very driven towards his goal right now and he is waiting on looking for a girlfriend. He wants to accomplish his goals first then worry about relationships later. Once upon a time I would have thought this concept was crazy and that people who do that will end up alone because they wasted time. Although some might, are they really unhappy? I mean whatever that goal was would have to be pretty important to them. So achieving it would be pretty spectacular. Maybe I need to make my goals my soulmate.

I am tired of trying and trying and then cruelty comes out. I want to better myself. I am not the person who just settles for good or ok. I want great even spectacular. I can't be with someone who is just satisfied with making it. I want them to constantly strive for better. There is alway room for improvement.

Sometimes I catch myself just daydreaming about the person I want to be. Then I get a little peeved at myself because what is stopping me?! I have come a very long way on the last few months. I have been working so hard, but something has been missing. A persons relationship with God is very personal. It is something that only that person and God can understand. My relationship with God has become more and more important to me recently. I want to be a strong spiritual role model for my son. I no longer want to be an empty vessel living from day to day. I want to be living for tomorrow: for what happens when I die. What heaven looks like.

Things in my life seem to have got more difficult a time goes on. The common factor in all of it is that Go was talking to me the whole time. I just wasn't listening. Well my ears are fully open now. And the eyes of my heart are open as well. I am ready to hand it all over. I'm tired of tying to figure it all put on my own. I am hanging all my problems over to God. He can either fix them or tell me how.

God will write my love story, maybe he already has. I just need to open my kind, my heart, and let God lead the way.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Jesus take the wheel

It's time I put all my faith back in God. I can't do it alone anymore.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

To look good naked

To have a kick-ass before and after shot.
To not have sit down fat.
To not only be able to climb mountains but to move them.

Just a few reasons I intend to stick with my weight loss plans. I have no ambition to be 100 lbs. I like my noobs, I don't ever want to be below a c cup. I would love to gain a butt. We will have to see what happens. Right now my main concern is to get healthy. Start working out, start eating healthy...just do better.

Today I have walked 3 miles, eaten pretty good, and I feel awesome. So let's hope I keep it up. I want to be one of those pintrest success story's where everyone is repining my photos.

A girl can dream right? I think I am going to alternate my work outs and slowly build.

Sounds good to me :)