Sunday, December 29, 2013

2013 PT 1

I started off 2013 with such high ambition.  It was going to be MY year.  I was going to be an awesome mom, I was going to rock the corporate world, and I was going to make time for friends.  I brought in the New Year with friends and my son.  It was really fun.  For the first time in nearly 4 years I actually stayed up until midnight.  I normally just DVR the ball dropping and watch it the next day. Hey, I'm a mom it's allowed!  Later that month I went out to a club/Bar for the first time really, ever.  It was fun.  Drank too much, Danced too much, lost a few games of pool.  Woke up the next day feeling awful.  I have had less than 5 true hangovers in my life, that being one of them.  Overall it was a blast. 
That night I danced with a boy in my drunken stupor and even ended up kind of dating him for the first few months of the year.  It was a quick but fun little time of life.  It was more of a friendship than anything "romantic" which makes things easier to be happy about later on.  So to you, mystery guy, if you read my blog then thanks.  Even though I swore I hated you for a bit in actuality you were an asset to the year and I wish you the best. 
Moving forward.
My little mini monster got his first taste of organized sports this year as well.  If you don't have children then I assure you the cutest thing is seeing 5-8 children running around in a tiny uniform.  They don't keep score when you are that small, which is good because his team was terrible.  I am not sure soccer is our sport, but we will keep trying until we can find one that he likes.  If we don't...we will eventually find something!
As for a personal accomplishment of my own, this year I completed the Warrior Dash, my time would probably make some of you athletes cry...but I finished it.  It was one of the most difficult things I think I have ever done, but I did it.  I can't wait to do it again in 2014.  Here is a picture of Ashley and I after we finished the race.  You get a complimentary beer upon completion...even though it wasn't my choice brand, after that it tasted heavenly.
In June, Hayden and I went to Colorado with my parents.  It was my first real vacation since I was a teenager. It was a bit emotional for me because my grandparents were there too.  Which wasn't the sad part. Living so far away and being a single mom I am often limited on funds. When you get older you realize the people around you are getting older as well and you never know when you will see them next.  I hope I get more visits, but the God's honest truth is you never really know.
Above is Hayden and mom on the trolley, or as he kept calling it "Charlie".

I believe this is Hayden and I in Utah, but It may be New Mexico...Honestly it all looked the same in the Four corners...I kind of is supposed to.

The Condo we stayed in did not have a blow dryer...and I forgot to bring one. It was probably the best week of my hairs life.  Hayden and I went swimming and as you can see...Mommy burns!

The Panoramic view from in front of the Condo.  Colorado is beautiful guys, I highly Recommend everyone visiting.

Me and the parentals waiting on the Gun Show to start.  Not actual Cowboys and a Saloon
Overall, I do believe that Colorado is a place that Hayden and I will try to visit a few more times in our lifetimes.  My skin, my hair, my everything was so much better.  The air there was amazing. Even though it was summer, it felt heavenly.
June was a just a really fun month for me..also pretty sad.  But we will get around to that.  In June we also went to the circus!  It wasn't quite as fun as the circus' from my childhood...but I was glad that I was able to take my parents to their very first circus.  It is a memory I will remember forever. It helped that I got us some awesome seats too.  This was the same month that one of my very best friends moved about an hour away. was a bittersweet month indeed.

Another birthday came and went for my baby boy.  I can't believe that he has reached 4 so quickly. It seems like yesterday that he was a 6 lb baby who needed me to take care of his every need.  Now, he has found independence, which I know is a good thing.  Everyday my love for him grows so much more.  Everyday he teaches me something new about life.  He is my breath of fresh air. 

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The snowball effect

It occurred to me tonight that no matter what life throws at me, I'm gonna be ok. You may have noticed a trend in this blog. It is a lot of me saying uplifting things to myself...repeatedly. This entry will be no different. 
While watching tv tonight, I noticed a faint snoring sound coming from the other end of the sofa. It appeared as though my little monster had given up on this day and succumbed to slumber. I went over to pick him up and he wrapped his little arms around my neck. The complete blind faith that he had in me to get him safely from point a, the couch, to point b, his bed, was not lost in me. This caused me to think about the last time that I trusted someone some blindly and with so much faith.
This thought, as with many others, always creates a snowball effect on self discoveries. A friend, who meant no harm at all, also helped me realize something. The jist of our conversation was that my first response to hearing relationship problems is a "no nonsense" type. If someone makes a mistake, if there is a major fight, if anything occurs I am the type that says screw it and moves on...which isn't always a bad thing. Mixed with the lack of blind faith and trust poses a problem.
Had I put a little more effort, gave it a little more time, would any of my previous relationships still be current? I honestly hope not. It does make one wonder though. In life, I believe, that everything you do creates an alternate path. There Is the one choice you made and the next that you didn't. An alternate universe if you will.  Which poses the question, what would alternate universe me be like? Would she be married? Would she have a child? Would she wonder about how spectacular her life would have been if she made the opposite choice?
There are few decisions in my life that I regret, but they do exist. My life has been no walk in the park and it continues to have its share of shitty situations. Which brings me to the first line in this entry, no matter what life throws at me I'm going to be ok. We can choose to live in the "what if's" and think about every single way that we have failed or we haven't tried hard enough...but there are rarely any do-overs in life. You kinda just have to take what you've got, the sitiation that you have, and just roll with it.
I may be a 25 year old single mom who has yet to finish her college degree. Who has yet to find the man of her dreams. Who has yet to become fully comfortable in her own skin...but I'm ok with that.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

The ugly truth

There is very little more annoying than looking at old pictures and seeing all the damage you have done to yourself. For me it is especially difficult because I am having to lose the same weight that I lost a mere two years ago. When I first began this blog I was a cheat. I took adepex and that is how I lost all that weight, well here I am two years later with nearly all of it back. The moral of that is it is true what they and exercise is the only sure way to lose weight and keep it off.
I'm not referring to dieting until the weight comes off, I mean an entire life style change. This year for Christmas I have allowed myself to be a little on the selfish side. I have purchased Turbofire and the entire Zumba program.
With the help of some friends and a new outlook on it, I am going to rid myself of this extra weight once and for all. I have no intention of ever seeing the scale with those numbers ever again. Which leads me into my firat proposition...
After the first of the year,  I am tossing my scale. It is a mean little device that has only one purpose in life and that is to reduce confident, strong, and beautiful people into self-loathing jerkfaces. I use the term jerk-face out of love...because honestly, that is what we become. We get focused on the number and we get downright hateful to our bodies. These amazing things that turn caloric intake into fuel to keep us going, that absorbs vitamin D from pure sunlight, our bodies are works of art.
I am probably one of the worst people in my life. No one holds a candle to how I talk to myself. I am disrespectful,  ungrateful, resentful,  and more than one kind of degrading.  If I spoke to someone. else the way that I spoke to myself...I could not only get my ass kick, but surly someone would press charges.  Why do you think we do that? No one has ever told me I was to fat, except for me.
To be honest, I can count the number of times someone (not including myself) has made negative remarks about my weight on my hands. Out of 25 years, those are pretty good numbers. Most people tend to tell me that I am beautiful,  that I am amazing, and that they wish they could have some one of my features. Yet, negative Nancy that I am, I constantly beat myself up over this bodily dismorphia that I have created inside. 
Every year I make the exact same resolution: to lose weight and to love myself...obviously I have failed everytime becuase I am still going to that goal. This year will be different though, because I have all of you. My main support. The ones who lift me up when I fall down. The ones who shower me with compliments when all I want to is hide in a dark room where no one can see me  and most importantly for you that refuse to let me wallow in self pity and move me to get up and be the person that you all fell in love with.
A friend once told me that I inspired her to be fabulous. It is one of the greatest compliments that I have ever received.  I, myself, have forgotten what it feels like to think yourself fabulous. In 2014 I am going to remember, this isn't just about fitting into a smaller pant size or the size of my cheeks when I smile,  its about falling in love with myself.  It's about inspiring people to feel fabulous.  It's about leaving a positive influence to the world. It's about loving the skin yhat you are in.
I plan on blogging more during the upcoming year, holding myself more accountable.  Charting my progress, and showing people that if I can do Iran, anyone can. In my personal life I agve had to demonstrate my strength on moreover than one occasion.  I can do this. So long as I want to, I can accomplish anything.


***authors note: this entry was written via my cell phone. If there are any misspellings or grammatical errors then I wouldn't be surprised. I don't have auto correct, just annoying predict-a-text, and these buttons are rather small.****

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Why I refuse to be pinkwashed this year

Call me bitter if you will, and maybe I am. Do the math. Lets just say that to register for the race it will cost you 25 dollars. Multiply that by say...25,000 people that is over 600,000 dollars for just that. Not to mention all the fundraising those 25,000 people may do plus the merchandise on sale.  So from one race, just ONE race the Susan G komen foundation pulls in nearly 1 million dollars. Now multiply that by the number of races they have and I ask you...where is this money going? After all these years are they any closer to finding a cure?! 
Like I said, I'm bitter. What about all the other aggressive and deadly cancers?! Ovarian and colon to just name a few. Why do we not have bigger fundraisers for them? Instead of a breast cancer walk why do we not just have a cancer walk?! Furthermore...St.Jude. why do we not willingly shell out billions of dollars a year to them?! I donate regularly to the hospital, because they dont sugar coat where the money goes. You know that when you give money to St. Jude it is so that a parent at the worst time in their life doesn't have to worry about a single expense while their child is there. The money that goes for Susan G Komen won't be there for me if I ever get breast cancer.
Breast cancer awareness is very important. I agree. What I don't agree with is how they seem to have the monopoly over cancer research funds. Why can't we work together to obliterate cancers of all kinds? It took doctors less than a week to find the healing remedy for a fast acting bacterial menegitus and save a girl. Less than a week. So in all these years an entire team hasn't been able to figure out cancer?  I just dont buy it anymore. 
If you have had or currently have breast cancer I do feel for you, and I know that the support that is felt from races like this is very uplifting to someone who has been there. I get it. I just don't get why we haven't heard a breakthrough yet. Why people are still dying? Why awareness isnt being brought to more? Why mammograms are being pushed back to every few years and the same with paps? I just dont understand. And dont you dare blame It on obamacare bc that will only solidify the ignorance of the American people.
I do hope you all have a grand time, but be sure to ask yourself if you know where your money is really going.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Finding Cinderella by Colleen Hoover

In this book we learn a little more about Daniel and Six; who are Skye and Holders best friends. This book could be read as a stand alone, but you will feel more connected with the Characters if you read Hopeless and Finding Hope first. Ok so lets dive in!
The first chapter gives us the background for the book. It is where you fiest fall in love with Daniel. In Finding Hope you already kind of love him for what he does for Holder in the Cafeteria (if you haven't read it, should) but the way he is there for her when he has no idea who she even is? ! There is just something spectacular about that.
Skip forward to where they first officially meet. They dont know that they've already met a year ago. I dont want to give to much away. Its one of those books that isnt to long so you breeze through it. Unlike a lot of novellas you dont feel rushed though.  It gives you just enough to where you are satisfied, but with all of Colleens books you want more.
This woman is an amazing writer. I may be a tad bit biased though because Hopeless was my first kindle book. In any case she puts so much humor and feels in her books that you connect almost immediately with the characters. With Finding Cinderella there were plenty of times that I literally laughed out loud. The moment he is telling Holder and the dinner gang that he and Six are dating. He talks about the fact that she fist bumped him and its not his fault he fell for her because she fist bumped him. He had no choice. I mean, it was hilariously cute.
This is one of those books where you will catch yourself smiling like a moron, wiping away a few tears, and getting completely blown away. You will fall in love with Daniel. You will fall in love with his family. But most of all this book only helps you fall in love with Colleen Hoovers writing even more. If you haven't read any other of her books be prepared because you will be hooked and you will read more.
So go download it today. It's FREE! So even if you haven't traveled through Skye and Holders story with the rest of us you can jump aboard with Finding Cinderella.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Into my advice pool we dive

Everyone has their own journey.  Whether it be infertility, weight loss, finding love, finding yourself...we are all dealing with something.  As human beings we are naturally wired with jealousy.  It's natural.  What you do to deal with that is entirely based upon your character as a human being.  You can choose to bury it, display it, or completely let it destroy you. 
My story is one of finding myself and finding love.  Everyday that I log on to Facebook I can either let my jealousy destroy me, I can show my ass, or I can hit the like button and let it die.   It seems like for the last few months straight, every time I log on someone is either newly engaged, planning their wedding, or their wedding pictures are being posted.  Now, I am truly happy for each and every person, but part of me wonders, "Why not me?".  That isn't their fault though, so instead of letting bitterness take over, I tap my finger on the thumbs up and send a congratulations...because I do like it and I do wish them the best.
What brings up todays blog is the many of you that let the hatred of others happiness build, those of you who only keep people around when they are down and when they get raised up you bail.  I cannot count how many of you flock to those when they struggle, only to abandon them when life is good.  I see you.  The person you flock to may not see your true intentions...but I do.  I.  See.  You.
If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all...that is a phrase that our parents and teachers have been instilling in our memories since we learned to write our own name. is the one we least follow.  I have learned that on the internet it is so much worse. People tend to think that if they are behind the safety of their computer screen they can let their inner demon out.  The person on the other end of that screen is still a person.  They have feelings.  Even if you've never met them before, they matter and they hurt with every vial word you say.
So when you see something and you have nothing nice to say about it...keep scrolling.  Don't make an ass out of yourself and try to ruin someone's happiness.  We need to lift others up, not fight tooth and nail to bring them down.  I challenge you all to be NICE this week. When you feel the need to voice a negative opinion on something that someone says...don't.  When you want to comment or send messages saying that they are undeserving...don't.  Maybe, now I am a huge believer in the Karma, Maybe by your bitterness your happiness is wavering.  By your rudeness to others, the cosmos are preventing you from feeling the happiness you are trying to destroy.  If you want good, you much do good. 
Remember that people aren't always as strong as they claim, even the most stable person can still let words cut through them.  The words "you never know who may be fighting a harder battle than you" are completely true; and just because you are struggling...don't be an asshole.

Famous words of wisdom from yours truly: Don't be an asshole.

Live them, learn them, love them. Life is to short.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Thanks for the Memories

This weekend the big yard/garage sales took place along highway 64, which brings back so many memories for me.  Four years ago my sister, my mom, and I piled into my moms little blue car and started down the highway.  It was nearly an all day event.  It was no easy task for a full-term pregnant woman to complete.  By the end of the day I was swollen, exhausted, and for lack of a better word...a complete bitch. 

The date was August 15, 2009.  My due date was the 27th.  My sister took this photo and uploaded it on her facebook to let the world know just how grumpy I was, and probably to gain a few laughs.  As you can see, I was largely pregnant and clearly exhausted. 

The next day I had a friends baby shower to attend.  I was still very tired and slightly grumpy...but I pulled myself together for her special day.  Upon entering her home, her husband took one look at me and said, and I quote, "Do NOT go into labor in my house."  Of course we all laughed at this comment and went about our business.  I had so much fun at her shower. 

I can remember around 4pm I started to feel slightly uncomfortable and the cramping began.  Being my first pregnancy I didn't think to much of it.  I finished the shower without saying at word to anyone, then headed home. I remember being on facebook laying on my bed and chatting with my friend, whose baby shower that I previous attended, and she told me I was in labor...I of course did not believe her.  She had told me earlier that week that she thought I would have him before Monday.  It's very neat that this whole event is chronicled on facebook. 

My mom came to pick me up around 10:30 that night and we headed to the hospital.  When we got there I was dilated 1cm.  By this time I was having very strong contractions that were less than 5 minutes apart and lasted about a minute long.  The nurse took pity on me and told me to walk around the hospital and see if it helped me dilate more.  A little before 2 am she checked again and I was only at 1.5cm but fully effaced. So she admitted me.  Not that we were going anywhere.  I remember asking her for Tylenol and she tried to stifle a laugh saying it wouldn't really help, but she handed me them anyways (Just so you know, getting a Tylenol in a hospital is like 10 dollars a freaking pill and they WILL bill your insurance for it) 

Mom stood by my side all night long.  I will admit there were times where I was less than pleasant to her.  I got downright snotty more than once.  Around 6am they gave me a shot of some useless pain med that didn't stop the pain, but stopped you from being able to clearly voice your discomfort.  Demerol (sp?).  Apparently I got pretty funny at this point.  I was soon hooked up to oxygen because apparently I wasn't getting enough on my own.  Which of course made the bill go up even more!  Breathe ladies breathe!  My dad reached the hospital around 7ish and my sister was there by 8.  I don't think Haydens dad showed up until around 8 as well.  Finally feeling some relief around 7:30 when I got my epidural, I think I may have taken a brief nap...but who can say for sure. 

At 9:57 on August 17th, 2009 my little monster was born.  His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice and thank god the nurses did all their BEST (Baptist joke) otherwise who knows if he be here today.  His heart rate was rapidly dropping and I was only at an 8 so (not going to go into to much detail) they got me to a ten and started the pushing process.
That was 4 years ago.  Since giving birth to a bouncing baby boy life has changed so much.  For the better.  No I am not where I hoped I would be.  I am not living where I want, I'm not on the life path that I want...but I love where I'm at.  When times get rough and I am tempted to pull my hair out, I remember that weekend.  The weekend everything changed.  I am still not to my pre-pregnancy weight, I have stretch marks, and more cellulite than I care to think about. 
My life is now soccer games, bedtime stories, legos, and superheroes.  Half the time I can't remember what I ate the night before, but I can tell you exactly what happened on Haydens first trip to the ER.  I can tell you about the time we weathered our first tornado storm alone.  I can tell you exactly what I felt on the first day I went to work after he was born, the first visit with his dad, the last visit with his dad.  I can tell you what he wore home from the hospital. I can tell you all sorts of things that have happened since August 17th, 2009, all sorts of things about him.  
Hayden has been potty trained for over a year now, he has slept in his "big boy" bed for nearly two.  Every single day that passes this little guy exceeds my every expectation.  

You learn a lot about yourself when you become a parent.  Everything you know is tested.  Every theory you had is proven wrong...nothing stays the same.  If you are lucky, you have people to help you along the way.  People who will say "Hey, let us watch him for a little bit and you go out and just have some mental health time."  or ones that say "Yea, you are completely normal for thinking and feeling that way, sometimes life is overwhelming.  It will get better. It's just a phase.".  My child has truly molded me into a different person, a better person.  I only hope that one day he will say the same about me.  That I will do a good job, make him proud, and teach him right. 
Four years is not a long time, it is a tiny speck in the grand scheme of time.  In that time I have raised a boy who is loving, kind, compassionate, friendly, and so much more. I hope that he carries that with him forever.  I want to look back on my life and know that although I screwed up with so much, he wasn't one of my mistakes.  That I did the best I possibly could with him.  It's been difficult and as he gets older it will continue to become more difficult.  It breaks my heart every time he says "I don't have a daddy" or "I wish I had a daddy".  It breaks my heart when he wants something that I can't give him.  Every time he cries, I want to cry.  This little boy has been through so much already and he has no idea.  I can only hope that I will do something right and it won't affect him much as he grows older.  That he knows that no matter what happens, he as a mother who would walk through fire for him, that would give up everything to make him happy, and who feels beyond blessed to have the opportunity to be there every step of the way.  
So, Happy (early) birthday baby.  Mommy Loves you

Saturday, June 1, 2013

30 things to do before I am 30

Alright. Here is the rough draft to my list. There are more than 30 things on it but some of them can count as the same. 

1. Run a marathon
2. Go on a real vacation every year 
3. Go back to college
4. Clean up my credit
5. Buy a house
6. Lose 50 lbs and be fit
7. bungee jump
8. Get my half sleeve dream tattoo
9. Go on a cruise
10. Swim with dolphins
11. Fall in real, consuming, can't live without each other love
12. Visit Washington DC and all the national landmarks there
13. Read every book in the Rory Gilmore book challenge 
14. Sing Karaoke
15. Go somewhere out of this country 
16. Complete the Tough Mudder
17. Go to a Superbowl
18. Climb a real mountain 
19. Go skinny dipping 
20. Go on a hot air balloon ride
21. Attend Mardi gras
22. Bring in a new year in Times Square
23. Perform a striptease 
24. Go on a "girls" trip once a year 
25. Write a book (even if it never gets published)
26. Go on a ghost hunters trip
27. Watch a NASCAR race live
28. Travel somewhere alone
29. Try to surf
30. Wear a bikini
31. White water rafting
32. Zip lining 
33. Learn to drive a motorcycle
34. Get a concealed weapons license 
35. Go swimming in the rain
36. Visit all of the Disney Parks in the world
37. Say goodbye to social media...for good *gasp!* 
38. Learn to water ski
39. Stay up all night finding constellations 
40.  Go camping a few times every summer
41. Cut down my own Christmas tree
42. Buy a really good camera
43. Be happy with myself 

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The romance of a new year

The first day of the year always holds so much promise, so many possibilities. It also holds so many failed attempts. All those resolutions you made the year before that never made it past March. Looking back over 2012, I had a pretty great year.
When there is good there is bad. I will not dwell on that part of the year though. Everything that happens is a learning experience if you choose to see the lesson. I wrecked my car: bad. My divorce was final:good. I made the choice to begin dating again after a year long break...Good.
Of course, as you know from all my precious entries, I tend to get blinded by a pretty smile and good looks. The good thing about every dating experience you have is that it teaches you what you want, what you don't want, what you new to change, and so much more. I would like to thank the one person I dated last year, he reminded me that I am capable of letting someone in and deeply caring for someone. Also, that I am not immune from that burn of a chipped heart. It's refreshing to remember emotions that you blocked out for so long.
I am in love with the idea of love, but I refuse to be its victim. I have entered every relationship blindly. This year I plan to be prepared with the guards up a but. The relationship that I am most excited for this year, is the one I intend on forming with myself. My main goal this year is to fall in love with me.
For at least 14 years I have resented something about myself. Whether it be I am a bigger girl, my hair, my skin, my clothing, voice...whatever you name it . I have made judging myself and holding myself to a super high unrealistic expectation on what I think I should be. I am not, nor will I ever be a girl that can wear a bikini in public. So why should I want the body for one? Am I really trying to lose weight for me, or just because I think that men won't find me attractive?
This year I am going to cut myself a break. I am going to devote one day a week where I don't put on any make up or do my hair. I may even post a picture on Facebook every day because why not? Everyone sees me for what I really am, except for me. You all can clearly see that I am not a size 4. You can see that my face will always behold the chubby cheeks of my childhood. You can see why do I feel the need to hide it? No clue, but it stops today. So here is to one entire year of makeup less Thursdays.
I have other resolutions but that is my main one. I think at this point in time it is the most important one.
I'm not sure what will happen during this upcoming year, I do know that I will take why I learned from my experiences last year and I will use them as a reference point for the current year and current situations. Maybe this will be the year of love for me, maybe it will be the year or me having a social life. Who knows, each new year is a new beginning. A new chance to do something different.
I may not know what to expect this year, but I do know the end of this year I will be a better person. Mark my words.