Sunday, December 18, 2011

Before I turn 30::Bucket List

Now we all know that 30 is not the "death" age but it is a good age to have a lot of things accomplished.  So here is a brief list of things that I would like to have done in the next 7 years of my life. I will continue to add on and I will continue to take off.
  1. Go on a Blind date
  2. Go Blond
  3. Wear a little black dress with some awesome heels
  4. Be Skinny
  5. Have a perfect credit score
  6. Be a home owner
  7. Become a runner
  8. learn Italian
  9. Rock my 10 year high school reunion
  10. Take Hayden to the beach and rock a bikini
That's just for starters.

more to come later :)

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Weight loss update

I have been slacking I know.

Today is December 13 current weight is 174.

Starting in August it was 201 and now I am down 27 lbs. I have stopped taking adepex and am now doing it on my own, hence the number has slowed. Either way I will continue to make progress. I need to start walking again. I have majorly slacked. Help motivate me people!!!! Lol

As always if you have any questions please inbox me on my Facebook or comment me here :) together we can do this. Here is to a new us! Not as big but still beautiful!

Someday my prince will come

I am a hopeful romantic. I can't help it. I believe in fairy tales and the who happily ever after thing. I do know that I need a man who isn't afraid to love me. I mean really love me. I want to be treated like a queen. I want to feel beautiful, really beautiful. I don't just want to hear it, I want them to really make me believe I am the prettiest woman they have ever laid eyes on. Don't Misunderstand, I need more than just that. I have learned though, that feeling truly beautiful makes you more confidant in your relationship.

I don't want the guy who wants me to be a lesser version of myself for his sake. I've had that already. The man that is afraid for you to show your beauty inside and out due to his insecurities. In some way I want to be a prize, but also so much more than that.

I won't lie, my next wedding is pretty much planned. All I need is the groom and the wedding party. I have settled for less all my life, I won't do that any more.

I get lonely from time to time, even the strongest have moments of weakness. No matter what I may feel, I wouldn't go back in time for anything. I will say this, people will judge no matter what. People as a whole are the victim. Nothing you have been through can beat what they have been through.

Just imagine, how open people are now days due to things like Facebook an blogger, just imagine the things they dont tell you.

I have been through dangerous situations, but I chose to get out. And someday my prince will come, who knows maybe he is already here. I can guarantee this: I will find out.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Beauty is in the eye...

Lately I have found myself starting to play with photography again. ( don't worry I am not going to become one of those Facebook photographers) it has been fun to play around with the contrast, exposure, and saturation. By no means am I trying to impress anyone with the pictures I have been taking. They are simply of things I like which is pretty much the point. It's very stress relieving. But don't worry, I am a still life photography person, I will leave the people to the professionals :)

Next order of business: how bout them Tigers?! SEC Champions!!!! Now to claim the BCS title by beating Alabama again. It can and will be done!!!

Leaving you with a bit of what I have been working on. It's not spectacular by any means but it sure is fun :)

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Baaa baa black sheep

I am at a loss for words. Not entirely but I am a little stunned by my dads family. I am not sure how I became the black sheep of the family or how I am labeled a whore and a mooch by people who haven't had s real conversation with me since before I graduated high school.
I know every family has their drama but the amount mine has shown in the last 24 hours is beyond embarrassing. So I going to set the record straight.

Let me start by saying that yes, my mother received a small inheritance when her father passed away. My mother bought a piece of land and she spoke to her dad about it regularly my parents were in the process of getting a construction loan when we received the news that my grandpa died. All that money did was make her budget more limited. Because they used that money instead if the loan they were already approved for. My point is for anyone to insinuate anything derogatory about that is just plain cruel. We would give anything for my grandpa to still be here. Money is not worth not having him. Let's not forget her dad died and that's how that money came about. I know I an repeating myself but it's an important factor and people seem to forget.

Next point: me being a whore and everyone being better than me. I am not sure I this one got started. I am far from a whore, I am probably one of the most prude people you will ever meet. I didn't even get my first kiss until I was 17 years old. And since then my number hasn't gone up that high. For the record I have only had sex with three people. One being my high school boyfriend, another being my sons father, the next being the man I married. Not a long list at all. So as for me being a whore... I think not.

Another thing that has been constantly. Brought up is my relationship with my grandma. I don't see how it's anyones business. It's not like km calling her and harassing her. I just don't speak to her unless I am spoken to. Whenever she comes around I am pleasant I don't see why they just can't let things go.

I am only 23 years old. Most of the things they judge me for happened years ago. Not very fair. I was a child. I sorry that things got out of hand last night. Although I only used one foul name but was called more than I can count, I apologize for that.

I have spent a lot of time praying to God for strength when it comes to he cruelties of this family, even the strong have a moment of weakness. I will not apologize for many of the entire conversation. I am only apologizing for the name calling.

Like I stated earlier I have no idea how at such a young age my family truly hates me. But for any of you reading this please take note: it doesn't matter how much good you do, or how much you try to stick to the positive. You will never be able to please everyone. Don't let that stop you from doing great things. No matter your background you can always change yourself for a better future.

Final thought :: don't forget to carry some extra change at all times for the bell ringers of the salvation army. Also if you have some extra cash on top of that get one a hit chocolate it's getting cold outside. It is not to late to sign up to volunteer with the Arkansas food bank with me for January 14th. We are going to have so much fun!

"all things have a weak point. What matters is you bounce back quickly and do something good to make you even more strong. Hatred is never the answer. Shower with love"

Monday, November 21, 2011

If you aren't the type to slow dance in the living room...then you aren't my type

When I was around 7 I started making a list of things I wanted in a husband.  One thing that topped that list was slow dancing to something like an old George Strait song while he sings the lyrics softly in my ear.  To me, that just seems like the most sweet moment. 

The thing I have learned about myself over the years is, I like southern boys.  More than like I looooove southern boys.  I love the values they have, the hunting, fishing, loving their mama's. Aren't afraid of getting dirty.  Working on things with their bare hands. Flannel...the whole nine yards.  It is just irresistible to me.  There is something about a southern boy.  They don't care what people think, they are crazy, fun, and they know how to have a good time. I'm getting all oozy just thinking about it.  Surprisingly I've never really dated one. 

You know how raps songs say things about wanting a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed?  My fascination with men is pretty similar...except a little opposite.  I want the tough guy in public, the one that no body messes with. The one that takes no crap off of anyone.  But at home I want the man that will come up behind me in the kitchen, grab me and start dancing with me, even if there is no music playing. He will sing in my ear the lyrics.  He will look at me like I am the only woman alive at that moment.  I would never have to worry about any woman stealing him b/c he is all about me.  He knows he couldn't do any better and he doesn't want to.  When I get mad he doesn't fight back.  He just smiles and thinks to himself that I am so cute when I get angry.  Like the Eli Young band song, Crazy Girl.  The thought of leaving me never crosses his mind.  He never tries to make me angry, he thinks I am funny. Not the kind of funny where it makes me even more mad but the funny where he loves my little quirks.  Where he knows I can be a little fireball and he loves it.  He never gets angry with me for long.  When he is angry he doesn't yell.  He never calls me names, he never says anything mean to me.  He encourages me to go out with my girlfriends and volunteers to watch the kids.  He loves to spend time with them.  He acts as though Hayden is completely his.   He calls him buddy, he never yells at him, he encourages him to try new things, to not be scared of failing.  He teaches him how to ride a bike, and when you fall to get back up and shake it off and just keep rolling.  He makes sure Hayden knows that even though is dad is absent someone cares for him just as though he was his dad.  He surprises me at work with a vase of Calalillies.  He tells me to get dressed up fancy and takes me out for dinner..  He calls up my parents to chat, he goes fishing with my dad helps my mom with the dishes on family nights.   I never want to feel as though I have to do something for him, I want to, want to do things for him.  I want a man who will hold me during sad movies as he tries to cover up laughing at me for crying.  Is that to much to ask?

I can afford to be picky.  Once you have dealt with the crap I have then you realize, if you can't have the things you want in a companion...then it's OK to just be alone.  I am not going to cave.  I want my southern man.  One day I will get him, and if I don't...that's OK too.  B/c at least I will have my self respect, integrity, and my awesome friends to get me through.


Saturday, November 5, 2011

Tis the season


There is something magical about the holidays.  All the way from the pretty lights, snow lined buildings, shiny ornaments hanging on the tree, to the bell ringing salvation army folks outside every store from here to where ever.  Christmas is a wonderful time of year.  I can't help but to smile at a few more strangers, be a little more kind, and just be overall more happy. 

I hate to be one of those dreaded people who get over excited about Christmas far to soon...but I am.  Guilty.  I love it. I am a person who celebrates Christmas in July, I listen to Christmas music in May, October, or whenever I need a little cheer.  I enjoy Christmas Movies all through out the year.  I have yet to ever visit a Church on this day that is my goal for this year.  Hayden will get my love of Christmas but he will also learn the true meaning of Christmas and the CHRIST in Christmas. 

So as we all brace for the holidays lets not forget what it's all about.  Christmas is the season for unconditional love.  The love our Father had for us.  To give us his child, to let his child live amongst us knowing how he would be treated, sacrificing his son, for us, for we are the future.  Before you get all scrooge-like and scream Bah-Humbug at me for getting excited at the beginning of November I ask you, how many of us know someone who has been pregnant and for months has been eagerly anticipating the arrival of their bundle of joy?  We all know at least 5 people right off hand.  The anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ is approaching and I am excited. 

It is true, when you are younger Christmas is nothing more than a vacation from school and a holiday where you get to open a lot of cool presents.  Or at least for me it was.  I never understood the religious sentiment behind the holiday, I am going to make sure that Hayden does.  It's OK for him to believe in Santa Claus and have some fun with the holiday, I am a parent and I do love Christmas. But he will know that it's more than just a fat man in a red suit hopping down chimneys. 

See that ^ Now is the time of year many of you are purchasing new winter coats for everyone in your family.  Instead of letting your closet look like this, donate them.  There are to many people out there who need things.  So instead of letting your old winter clothes pile up in your closet, or packing them away knowing that you will probably not wear them next winter either...donate them.  To many children and adults go without for us to hold on to things we know we won't use.  You can donate them to your local Salvation Army, if you don't know where to find one (knowing that it's Christmas time and they are everywhere) get in touch with me, I will meet you some where and I will deliver your coat for you. 

Both of these places are great for donations.  And you can always claim the tax write off.

So this year please don't fear the red buckets, don't walk in the other door trying to avoid them.  Dig in the bottom of your purse, your pockets, in your coat and give a few cents or dollars to a worthy cause.  You know they are going to be there, it's no surprise so keep spare change on you.  People will follow your lead and in turn they will donate too and maybe this year people everywhere will have a better winter.

************The Container Store in LR off of University is having a Coat Drive now thru December 31st.  You can drop any old coats off there, if you don't want to drive that far, call me************

Once a Scumbag...

      Good day my loves!  It has been a while. I've been at a loss for words, as with everything there is so much I have wanted to write about, but I couldn't collect my thoughts enough to put them on here.  Lets face it, I am no Carrie Bradshaw :) Life has been good.  Normal woes but hey what do you expect from me?
      I never thought I would be a "conservative" parent.  In a lot of ways I don't guess I will be.  I have caught myself lately changing the radio station due to the music playing while my son is in the car.  Having conversations with other parents I never thought I would have.  It's strange that moment you realize that you aren't the parent you always thought you would be.  I think whatever kind of parent I am it is going to be great for Hayden. I just never pictured myself being the parent who censored anything...
        My mom informed me that my sister had no intentions of joining the family for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  This upset me greatly.  For those of you who know my sons past, know that holidays are a very big deal to me.  I did not spend thousands of dollars in a court room for everyone not to be there on my holidays (which as you also know have turned into me every year :) ) I am just so upset because so much in his life has been inconsistant. So much family has crapped out on him.  I was hoping that mine would always come together for at least 3 days out of the year.  Put their differences aside, and just be a happy family for 3 days out of the year.  Is it so much to ask?  I am pretty peeved about the whole thing.  I just don't understand how someone could be so childish as to take their personal feelings and opinions out on a child.  It's unfair.
       I am almost completely done shopping for Haydens Christmas.  I now need to go get his picture taken and start stocking up on frames to give as gifts.  The joy of being a parent is people are excited to get pictures of your offspring.  I won't lie, I am pretty thrilled that some stores are already playing christmas music.  It makes me happy!
       As with all my blog I must turn to the men.  So here goes.  I am still on my sabatical.  I have learned a few things these two months that I have been on it also.  Men are pigs and everything happens for a reason.  For example, just because I had a crush on you in JR. High and you had one on me in SR high doesn't mean I am going to meet you for a lunch time rendevous and get jiggy with it in your truck ok.  What would your pregnant wife think?  I am worth so much more than that, always will be.  I don't know if guys just assume because you are a single mother that you have no self respect or self worth and that you "need" them.  Well buddy, I have plenty of both and I need no man.  If I can't do it myself it doesn't need to be done. 
       Today is November 5, 2011.  My main goal for the day is to make sure I take Hayden to visit the potty every hour.  We are going to chill at the house, clean up, watch tv, and really crack down on the potty training business.  Much love to you all.  And remember: NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT.  I believe Elenore Roosevelt or someone like that said matter who said it, take it with you and live it.  You are beautiful, you are worth it, if a man doesn't see that then don't waste your time.  Also, men don't change.  Once a scumbag...always a scumbag.

                                Love ya!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

These are a few of my least favorite things..

1. Parents who claim every waking moment must be spent with your child or you are a bad parent. 
       Point in case:  Try to tell me otherwise that's fine but you will be lying to yourself and God if you said that you truly want to spend every waking moment with your child.  Admitting that you do want/need time away from them does not make you a bad parent.  Every parent needs a break from their children to be sane.  I mentioned this on someones facebook post and almost immediately someone was right under me trying to be all self righteous.  I enjoy spending time with my child, I love going places with him, I love being at home with him, I enjoy it all..I will not lie and say that the few chances I have to go out with a friend that he crosses my mind constantly, but I do enjoy the hour or two away from having to keep yelling "NO!" or "Get off that!" or something else that you have to constantly yell at a 2 year old for.  I honestly believe that parents, especially single parents need a few hours away from their child.  That is my story and I am sticking to it. 
       Keep in mind that I went no where without my child until he was around 2 years old.  I took him everywhere, cancelled plans because I didn't feel it was best to take him, I have spent 2 years up my child's ass to put it plainly.  I love spending time with him, but just because I have a child doesn't mean my life has to be only revolving around him.  He is a HUGE part of my life.  He takes up around 90 % of it.  Another 8% is taken by work and I have a 2% gateway for me time.  I went to a Race for the Cure event this weekend with a friend and I had a blast.  I didn't have to worry about my child getting lost in a crowd, or acting up, or any of that other stuff.  When I got home I was so ready to jump on the floor in his bedroom and start playing cars with him.  We both had a blast that day. He got quality grandma time, and I got some grown up non work conversation.  Majorly needed. 
      I am not saying to go out every weekend and party, but to have an occasional night out, morning out, lunch out, is healthy, for both of you.  Your child needs time away from you to de-stress and what not just as much as you need the hour or two away from them. 
2. Me
      I love myself, but I also truly dislike myself a lot of the time.  I have always prided myself on being and independent, self sufficient woman.  When the truth be told, I am nothing of the sort.  That is how every relationship I have ever been in has lead to awful choices.
         First real boyfriend, cheated on me, broke up with me for other girls repeatedly, and was awful.  Not saying all of it was his fault (the cheating was b/c there is nothing that can make someone at fault for that besides the one doing it)  Once he cheated on me once and broke up with me for the girl, trust issues became a huge problem.  I learned something about myself with that relationship though.  I can not be someone who stays with someone who cheats on me.  I may love someone whole hearted, but I know myself. And I know that I would make both of us miserable.  I am a pretty trusting person, but once my trust is broken it can't be repaired.  Knowing this about myself, I just couldn't do it.  My old boss and co worker tried to tell me that when it's the person God picks for you, you will be able to. But I can not agree.  God would not choose someone for me that would betray me and commit one of his most hated sins. 
       Second real relationship, I trusted him completely, We were good together until we weren't anymore.  Once we had our child things changed.  I went through my bought of undiagnosed post pardom depression and he wasn't understanding.  We were both at fault.  The thing I learned from that relationship was that communication is key.  No matter what is going on you have to have a line of communication or you both will be miserable.  Although events following our split have assured me that ending it was the best decision I made.  The way things have turned out now made me realize the lies that men will tell you and make you believe.  Anyone who can not be honest about their past you need to be worried about.  The past is nothing to hide from someone you say you love.  Even if the past may hurt them or it may embarrass you, it is not a reason to lie about it. 
       Third real relationship:  I don't really know what the hell I was thinking. The only positive out of that relationship is I got to change my name, so now my signature is prettier.  I was in a bad place.  Still upset and completely in love with number 2 and still dealing with PPD, it was a a real fog.  I know that It was all a lie.  He told me whatever I needed to hear.  Which had I not married him would have been ok.  But since I got looped into this fake world it all went to far.  I got caught up in the rebound and now I am back to square one. 
      To improve myself I have taken a vow that I would not enter any relationship in my 23rd year.  So far so good.  I have learned that I can do things by myself, I can be a woman who goes out, improves her career and gets herself back after having a child.  Many women never lose them, I did.  It took me a little longer to realize things that many of you already know.  But I have slowly started to become the me I always have wanted to be, and I must admit even though it has been a struggle every step of the way, I'm liking me even more now.
3. Unnecessary Rudeness
     I understand that certain circumstances call for a certain amount of rudeness, but the way people conduct the matter now is absurd!  I am so tired of rude drives, rude co-workers, rude friends, rude friends of friends, people who don't even know you being rude.  I am sick of it all.  I would like to take a moment and be rude myself.  Take the stick out of your ass and get over yourself.  Why can't people smile more, wave often, say hello, hold elevators, and be nice?  I don't care that you don't like me, I don't care that you are a better "friend" to a friend, I don't care if you are maid of honor, prince of wales, or the pope.  You need to respect people.  No one is trying to steal your glory, everyone is just trying to survive and make as many people as they can happy along the way.

So please remember, just because you need me time doesn't mean you are a bad parent, I have been working on me and I am getting better at it.  Everyone needs to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with someone else.  Always be nice to people, even if they don't deserve it.  You want to be the person people remember as being pleasant, a good person. Let them be rude, all it is doing is giving them wrinkles and bad hair.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

To Thine Own Self Be True

If you couldn't tell I have been struggling with something to write about lately, I have had so much to say but no matter how many times I tried to collect my thoughts and put them together, it never worked out.  So today, I just type.  It will probably be even more scattered than my previous entries...and that's ok.  I have to let it out.

I will be starting a new job on Monday, I am both excited and nervous.  I have a lot at stake.  It seems like you always do the more you age, you have children, bills, car payment, etc.  It doesn't seem to ever slow down.  I am excited because this is a career change for me.  For the last 4 years I have been in the banking world, not that my new job won't involve some of the same things, it's a different career path and I am completely excited!  I did, however, realize the comfort level that I have put myself in working at a bank.  You get lazy, working at a bank.  You don't keep a check register, you don't worry about where you put your debit card, you don't worry about stopping a payment  Everything you need is at work with you every day.  Starting Monday, I will be a "normal person".  It is a scary thought...super scary. 

Hayden has been a little under the weather.  He has asthma and awful allergies.  When both act up this mommy is living a nightmare! It's an terrible thing to see your child suffer, even though mine just suffers with simple things. It makes your heart rip open for those mothers whose children battle life threatening illness.  Being a mother, the last thing you want to feel is defenseless.  You want to be the rock.  You want to be the one that is sick, not your child.  There is one child that has been on my mind constantly in the last week or so.  I have never met this little boy and I actually stumbled upon his facebook page on accident.  If you have time please stop by, read his story, and just say a little prayer.  He is on the way to recovery and is doing great.!/ChaseEaden?sk=wall

Life is to short to be bothered with stupid people.  I am a good mom.  There has been so many things I have wanted to say on here but this is a public blog.  But just know, My heart is breaking for my child.  There are things that a mother cannot protect her own child from. These are things that can be prevented, unlike cancer or any other illness.  The things you wish you could protect them from, kills you because you never thought that THIS is what you would have to deal with.  Cancer is somewhere in the back of every parents mind. You can't fathom it, you don't understand it, but you know it can happen to any innocent child...this...this how am I supposed to deal with this situtation.  My heart is broken, not out of saddness for myself. but sadness for my child and the questions he is going to have later in life that I dont' know how to answer.  I don't know what to say b/c this...this is ridiculous. 

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Happy Birthday Uncle Art

Memories:  It's amazing how the mind holds on to certain ones.  I don't remember losing my first tooth, I don't remember my first funeral, but I can remember that my uncle art was the greatest at shooting a gun.  He was better than anyone I had seen.  He could be completely intoxicated (which at a certain point of his life was everyday) and hit the target every single time.  I also remember this little jewelry box he gave to me when I was a child, it was pink and had Tweety Bird on it (my favorite character at the time). I still have it. 

I also remember the day he died.  My mom does this awful thing when people die where she can't pull herself together enough to tell you so you have to through a list of family members before you find out which of your loved ones is gone.  It was the first death I understood and it's still the one that hits me the hardest.  I miss him everyday.  I miss the talks we used to have, the stories he would tell, and all the neat things he knew how to do. 

This  year I have really slacked on going to visit him like I used to.  Once I learned to drive I would visit him frequently.  Most the time I would just go by myself, not tell anyone, just go and talk to him.  I would always tell him about my day, hey why change tradition?  Since Hayden has been here it's been more difficult to pack up the car and head up there.  I need to though, and I will...soon.

Today marks his 53rd birthday, and it is a beautiful day.  This is a song that was played at his funeral. I still can not listen to it without thinking of him and getting all weepy.  In a good way though. I miss him so much but his memory lives on.  I am so happy that he no longer has to fight his demons and he is free from them all.  He can relax and be free. 

I miss you so much Uncle Art, I miss our talks, I miss family get togethers,  and I miss our fishing trips.  I know you are up there, looking down at us all and having a huge celebration up in Heaven with your Dad, Your Grandpa, Little John, and various other family members that have left us down here.  I love you!  And one day I'll be able to celebrate with you again.

***The picture up top is courtesy of my cousin Amber, Art's daughter, so thank you! ***

Monday, September 26, 2011

Count on Me

There is something truly amazing about friendship.  It seems I have the friends that even when I don't speak to them for two years, if I need them, they are there for me.  I hope I am a friend like that also. If I am not I hope I get that way really soon.  I miss having the "best friend" though. The one you can call every other night to chat, or at least every week to say "Hey, OMG you would NEVER believe what I went through this week!!"  I will say that I do have some of the most amazing people that I call friends.

I think with modern conveniences like facebook and twitter we lose sight of our friends for a bit.  We don't need to call as often b/c we can just look at their pages to see what they have been up to.  Everyone has a cell phone now, and no one likes to talk on it everyone prefers to text, so we lose out on that other human voice.  Sometimes when you are feeling lonely, you need to hear another voice.  Text messages can't convey emotion very well...I am a recovering text-a-holic. I will just throw that in there. With life moving at hyper speed now it's hard to take time out of busy schedules to meet with an old friend, we should make time though.  Although when you get older your friend separate into even more categories: Those with Children and married, those with children and single, those without children and married, those without children and single, those in relationships, etc.  So not everyone has the same interests anymore. Remember what made you friends to begin with, life is only more lonely when you don't have them.

So this is for all my friends::: I love you guys!
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With that being shared, I hope everyone has a fabulous Monday, it's a brand new week so make the best of it.  Make a new friend this week.  Smile at a few more people.  Most importantly pay attention to others and be a caring pair of ears if they need them. You would be surprised at how far a smile and just listening will go.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Because we're going to the chapel...

A long long time ago when I was 9 years old, I met an amazing friend and we made a promise that we would be friends forever and when we got married we would be at eachothers weddings as a bridesmaid.  Well honestly I had given up hope because she had been planning her wedding for two years and never mentioned it to me.  I get a text message last night asking if I would please be one of her bridesmaids, and of course I said yes! 

The only problem is her wedding is less than a month away and I have no time to get wedding ready! UGH talk about being stressed!  I have already started losing weight so that is a good thing but what about my white pasty legs?! I have no time to tan!!!  Not that they would have tanned anyways...but still.  I am very excited!  The dress is not one of those ugly things that never look good on anyone, it is a very pretty dress. 

Don't get me wrong, this late in the game I gather someone probably flaked out on her and she needed an alternate...but hey I'll take it!  I'm not messed up about that one I assure you.  I am both excited and nervous. I've never been in a wedding before.

Guess I need to study up!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Walk this way

Recently I got my hair cut.  It is now similar to what it was before I met the two significant relationships in my life.  Really, I don't know if you would consider the last one significant...but you get the picture.  In order for you to understand why i am on my weight loss journey you must understand a bit about me. 

I was insanely in love with my sons father.  It killed me when we split.  I rushed into something and before I realized what I was doing I thought I was in to deep.  I have always been a strong willed woman but there are people out there that can break even the strongest of women.  I fell victim to something like this.  I wanted to change myself before I met him, I was stuck in mom mode and I was just ready to get me back.  He wasn't open to me changing back at all, even though it would make me happy.  I fell victim to verbal and emotional abuse.  If you have never truly been a victim to this you wouldn't understand. As soon as I got my head out of my ass and got what little self respect I had left rallied up, I left him.  Now I am working on me.

It has been decided (by me of course) based upon the common answers of my friends that I am going to take a year off from dating.  I will not be sucked back into another relationship where I can't be myself.  I am pretty damn cool, so it's a shame.  I am not losing weight to get a man. I am losing weight for me. I need to be confident again, I need to feel pretty.  I need to get all my self respect back.  Being a strong willed woman you can imagine how embarrassing it is for me to even admit that something like that happened to me.  But it happens to even the best of us. 

This up coming year, I am very excited about.  This year I am going to focus on me, Hayden, and friendships.  I figure if a guy is spectacular enough that he will understand.  I know men don't always understand and they get a bit antsy but I am tired of that.  Either wait for me or don't.  It's ok with me either way. I know that my Mr. Perfect for me will be ok with not entering relationship status until I am ready. 

I will not settle for less than I have dreamt of.  I want to be someones prize, I want someone to see me and be willing to put forth the effort to have a chance.  I am worth it.  I just have to find a man who is smart enough to realize everything I bring to the table. 

Monday, September 12, 2011

Eye for an Eye

I'm one day early but I thought I would go ahead and give an update...

I haven't lost any more weight in this week.  I am trying to be ok with that but it's a little discouraging I won't lie.  I have been walking more and being more active so to make myself feel a little better I'm saying that I've gained a little muscle.  My clothes are fitting more loosely so it's quite possible. After watching the festivities yesterday of the Ten years since 9/11 I've stepped back a little from caring so much.  I'm not quitting and I am still going to be just as persistant to lose the weight, but for a minute there I forgot about a few things.

In 2001 when the attacks happened on the US I was only 12 years old.  It was two days before my 13th birthday and I was so annoyed that it happened then.  Thirteen is a big deal to a child.   I didn't understand the awful things that were happening around me, all I cared about was if people were still going to come to my birthday party.  Now that I have grown up a bit, have a child of my own, this year it is like it finally hit me.  The devestation, the tragedy, it all hit me at once.  This year, one decade later, it finally all became so clear.  It's a crazy moment when you finally understand something when you are an adult.  You don't want to admit it to many people because after all at 22 these are things you should already know.

Watching the televison shows about the people who were in the towers, on the planes, the firemen, police men, and all other rescue workers was very emotional yesterday. As I fought back the tears while sitting with my family I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming love for my country.  For my Country.  For the people in my country.  For the people of New York, who were going about there everyday and their city was destroyed, their friends,  co-workers, family, gone just like that.  I tried to imagine what I would say to my mother, my dad, my son if I was in one of the offices that was burning, one of the planes that was about to go down.  What would my final words to them be? Words of comfort? Words of Love? Words of fear?  What would I say?  What would I want them to know before I was gone forever.  What would I want them to tell me if they were the ones making the call? 

There were so many thoughts going through my head as I was reliving that day.  Seeing the children who had been orphaned, or who never knew their fathers b/c they parrished before they were born it was truely an emotional experience.  I looked at my own son and I felt the fear that all of them must have felt at that moment.  The fear of not knowing what could happen.  Not knowing when the next attack might be.  I tried to put myself in their shoes, the people of New York, we got to see the news coverage and we heard so much more than they did at that time.  I tried to put myself in the shoes of the person stuck in the elevator after the first plane hit, not knowing what was stopping the elevator from reaching the floor.  The person who was watching the fire burn from their apartment building on the 32nd floor just two blocks away and thinking how awful that a plane would hit the towers, then realizing it wasn't an accident when the second one got hit and not knowing what building would be next. 

When 9/11 happened  I was just a child,  sitting in my English class, walking around from class to class and seeing the tragic events that were occuring.  Not quite understanding the events that were taking place in front of me.  I think a lot of my generation felt the same.  Some of them may not even realize now the horror of the day.  Well, not the entire magnitude of it. 

I have decided that for the 20 year anniversary of this day comes around, Hayden will be the exact same age I was when it happened,  we are going to New York for that one.  We are going to stand at the WTC memorial site, and he is going to learn about what happend, how evil that evil can be.  He is going to read the names, listen to the stories, and walk down the same streets that were once so covered in rubble that you couldn't tell where the road stopped and side walk began.   I know he won't understand it completely but I want him to see it. 

If 9/11 has taught me anything else it is this:: Evil knows no face, it is no people.  Evil is something we chose to be.  We have a choice.  Just because someone did something you don't approve of doesn't give you the right to do something back.  Just b/c a certain type of someone did something doesn't mean that all persons of that type are like that.  Everyone makes a choice, punish the person not the persons.  We are all different, and hatred does nothing.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Little by Little

I hope that everyone enjoyed their three day weekend and didn't overdue it with junk food!!!  I can't remember if Labor day is a BBQ kinda that not sad?  I am honestly sick of BBQ's, by the end of summer I don't even want to look at another potato salad (and that's saying a lot knowing my love of potatos!) I was pretty decently behaved this weekend on the food situation.  I did sneak in two oreos, I know I'm bad!

Today marks one week for my diet. Here are my stats:
Todays Weigh in:: 190

That is Ten Pounds in one week!!!!  Those are great results!!!  I haven't had any funny side effects from the Phentermine either.  No jitters, no sickness...nothing.  So I have to say it adds a nice little bonus to give me energy.  It also helps that it has been so nice outside this weekend that you just couldn't help but to be outside.  So this weekend I loaded Hayden up in his little car stroller thing and we were off.  We traveled up and down the drive way at least 10 times.  Which doesn't seem like much but my driveway goes straight up a hill.  So needless to say that my calfs are so sore but it was worth it.  I am trying to take a walk at least three times a week.  It gets difficult with Arkansas weather and a small child. 

Next weeks weigh in is my lets hope for even better results.  It gets kind of hard to post anything online with a very active 2 year old running around.  Example, right now he is trying to wiggle his way onto my lap saying "mommy" at this very moment in time.  That would also explain some other typos in this post because for half of it his head was in my way so I was unable to see the all.  He gets his big head from me. 

Oh and I forgot to add:: If you get started on Phentermine remember to eat. It will curb your appetite so much that you will not ever be hungry, but if you want it to work you have to remember to eat at least three times a day, and make them meals.  Otherwise when you stop taking the meds the pounds will pack back on and you will be even worse off than before.

Happy Dieting!!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Since I have promised honesty on my weight loss blog here are my stats today.

I went to the doctor to see about the weight loss drug Adapex aka phentermine.  He did perscribe it, and I have already taken my first dose.  I am due back in one month to see if any results have been made.  so here goes::

August 30 2011
Weight: 201 lbs
height: 5'2"

I will post next months too.  the drug isn't covered by my insurance so I have to pay 23 dollars for it each time...small price to pay for my old jeans back (they cost way more than that!) 

the picture above was the day before my sons 2nd birthday..and I weigh just as much now as I did they day before he was born. and here are a few that i want to look like again :::

one day...