Sunday, October 23, 2011

These are a few of my least favorite things..

1. Parents who claim every waking moment must be spent with your child or you are a bad parent. 
       Point in case:  Try to tell me otherwise that's fine but you will be lying to yourself and God if you said that you truly want to spend every waking moment with your child.  Admitting that you do want/need time away from them does not make you a bad parent.  Every parent needs a break from their children to be sane.  I mentioned this on someones facebook post and almost immediately someone was right under me trying to be all self righteous.  I enjoy spending time with my child, I love going places with him, I love being at home with him, I enjoy it all..I will not lie and say that the few chances I have to go out with a friend that he crosses my mind constantly, but I do enjoy the hour or two away from having to keep yelling "NO!" or "Get off that!" or something else that you have to constantly yell at a 2 year old for.  I honestly believe that parents, especially single parents need a few hours away from their child.  That is my story and I am sticking to it. 
       Keep in mind that I went no where without my child until he was around 2 years old.  I took him everywhere, cancelled plans because I didn't feel it was best to take him, I have spent 2 years up my child's ass to put it plainly.  I love spending time with him, but just because I have a child doesn't mean my life has to be only revolving around him.  He is a HUGE part of my life.  He takes up around 90 % of it.  Another 8% is taken by work and I have a 2% gateway for me time.  I went to a Race for the Cure event this weekend with a friend and I had a blast.  I didn't have to worry about my child getting lost in a crowd, or acting up, or any of that other stuff.  When I got home I was so ready to jump on the floor in his bedroom and start playing cars with him.  We both had a blast that day. He got quality grandma time, and I got some grown up non work conversation.  Majorly needed. 
      I am not saying to go out every weekend and party, but to have an occasional night out, morning out, lunch out, is healthy, for both of you.  Your child needs time away from you to de-stress and what not just as much as you need the hour or two away from them. 
2. Me
      I love myself, but I also truly dislike myself a lot of the time.  I have always prided myself on being and independent, self sufficient woman.  When the truth be told, I am nothing of the sort.  That is how every relationship I have ever been in has lead to awful choices.
         First real boyfriend, cheated on me, broke up with me for other girls repeatedly, and was awful.  Not saying all of it was his fault (the cheating was b/c there is nothing that can make someone at fault for that besides the one doing it)  Once he cheated on me once and broke up with me for the girl, trust issues became a huge problem.  I learned something about myself with that relationship though.  I can not be someone who stays with someone who cheats on me.  I may love someone whole hearted, but I know myself. And I know that I would make both of us miserable.  I am a pretty trusting person, but once my trust is broken it can't be repaired.  Knowing this about myself, I just couldn't do it.  My old boss and co worker tried to tell me that when it's the person God picks for you, you will be able to. But I can not agree.  God would not choose someone for me that would betray me and commit one of his most hated sins. 
       Second real relationship, I trusted him completely, We were good together until we weren't anymore.  Once we had our child things changed.  I went through my bought of undiagnosed post pardom depression and he wasn't understanding.  We were both at fault.  The thing I learned from that relationship was that communication is key.  No matter what is going on you have to have a line of communication or you both will be miserable.  Although events following our split have assured me that ending it was the best decision I made.  The way things have turned out now made me realize the lies that men will tell you and make you believe.  Anyone who can not be honest about their past you need to be worried about.  The past is nothing to hide from someone you say you love.  Even if the past may hurt them or it may embarrass you, it is not a reason to lie about it. 
       Third real relationship:  I don't really know what the hell I was thinking. The only positive out of that relationship is I got to change my name, so now my signature is prettier.  I was in a bad place.  Still upset and completely in love with number 2 and still dealing with PPD, it was a a real fog.  I know that It was all a lie.  He told me whatever I needed to hear.  Which had I not married him would have been ok.  But since I got looped into this fake world it all went to far.  I got caught up in the rebound and now I am back to square one. 
      To improve myself I have taken a vow that I would not enter any relationship in my 23rd year.  So far so good.  I have learned that I can do things by myself, I can be a woman who goes out, improves her career and gets herself back after having a child.  Many women never lose them, I did.  It took me a little longer to realize things that many of you already know.  But I have slowly started to become the me I always have wanted to be, and I must admit even though it has been a struggle every step of the way, I'm liking me even more now.
3. Unnecessary Rudeness
     I understand that certain circumstances call for a certain amount of rudeness, but the way people conduct the matter now is absurd!  I am so tired of rude drives, rude co-workers, rude friends, rude friends of friends, people who don't even know you being rude.  I am sick of it all.  I would like to take a moment and be rude myself.  Take the stick out of your ass and get over yourself.  Why can't people smile more, wave often, say hello, hold elevators, and be nice?  I don't care that you don't like me, I don't care that you are a better "friend" to a friend, I don't care if you are maid of honor, prince of wales, or the pope.  You need to respect people.  No one is trying to steal your glory, everyone is just trying to survive and make as many people as they can happy along the way.

So please remember, just because you need me time doesn't mean you are a bad parent, I have been working on me and I am getting better at it.  Everyone needs to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with someone else.  Always be nice to people, even if they don't deserve it.  You want to be the person people remember as being pleasant, a good person. Let them be rude, all it is doing is giving them wrinkles and bad hair.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

To Thine Own Self Be True

If you couldn't tell I have been struggling with something to write about lately, I have had so much to say but no matter how many times I tried to collect my thoughts and put them together, it never worked out.  So today, I just type.  It will probably be even more scattered than my previous entries...and that's ok.  I have to let it out.

I will be starting a new job on Monday, I am both excited and nervous.  I have a lot at stake.  It seems like you always do the more you age, you have children, bills, car payment, etc.  It doesn't seem to ever slow down.  I am excited because this is a career change for me.  For the last 4 years I have been in the banking world, not that my new job won't involve some of the same things, it's a different career path and I am completely excited!  I did, however, realize the comfort level that I have put myself in working at a bank.  You get lazy, working at a bank.  You don't keep a check register, you don't worry about where you put your debit card, you don't worry about stopping a payment  Everything you need is at work with you every day.  Starting Monday, I will be a "normal person".  It is a scary thought...super scary. 

Hayden has been a little under the weather.  He has asthma and awful allergies.  When both act up this mommy is living a nightmare! It's an terrible thing to see your child suffer, even though mine just suffers with simple things. It makes your heart rip open for those mothers whose children battle life threatening illness.  Being a mother, the last thing you want to feel is defenseless.  You want to be the rock.  You want to be the one that is sick, not your child.  There is one child that has been on my mind constantly in the last week or so.  I have never met this little boy and I actually stumbled upon his facebook page on accident.  If you have time please stop by, read his story, and just say a little prayer.  He is on the way to recovery and is doing great.!/ChaseEaden?sk=wall

Life is to short to be bothered with stupid people.  I am a good mom.  There has been so many things I have wanted to say on here but this is a public blog.  But just know, My heart is breaking for my child.  There are things that a mother cannot protect her own child from. These are things that can be prevented, unlike cancer or any other illness.  The things you wish you could protect them from, kills you because you never thought that THIS is what you would have to deal with.  Cancer is somewhere in the back of every parents mind. You can't fathom it, you don't understand it, but you know it can happen to any innocent child...this...this how am I supposed to deal with this situtation.  My heart is broken, not out of saddness for myself. but sadness for my child and the questions he is going to have later in life that I dont' know how to answer.  I don't know what to say b/c this...this is ridiculous. 

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Happy Birthday Uncle Art

Memories:  It's amazing how the mind holds on to certain ones.  I don't remember losing my first tooth, I don't remember my first funeral, but I can remember that my uncle art was the greatest at shooting a gun.  He was better than anyone I had seen.  He could be completely intoxicated (which at a certain point of his life was everyday) and hit the target every single time.  I also remember this little jewelry box he gave to me when I was a child, it was pink and had Tweety Bird on it (my favorite character at the time). I still have it. 

I also remember the day he died.  My mom does this awful thing when people die where she can't pull herself together enough to tell you so you have to through a list of family members before you find out which of your loved ones is gone.  It was the first death I understood and it's still the one that hits me the hardest.  I miss him everyday.  I miss the talks we used to have, the stories he would tell, and all the neat things he knew how to do. 

This  year I have really slacked on going to visit him like I used to.  Once I learned to drive I would visit him frequently.  Most the time I would just go by myself, not tell anyone, just go and talk to him.  I would always tell him about my day, hey why change tradition?  Since Hayden has been here it's been more difficult to pack up the car and head up there.  I need to though, and I will...soon.

Today marks his 53rd birthday, and it is a beautiful day.  This is a song that was played at his funeral. I still can not listen to it without thinking of him and getting all weepy.  In a good way though. I miss him so much but his memory lives on.  I am so happy that he no longer has to fight his demons and he is free from them all.  He can relax and be free. 

I miss you so much Uncle Art, I miss our talks, I miss family get togethers,  and I miss our fishing trips.  I know you are up there, looking down at us all and having a huge celebration up in Heaven with your Dad, Your Grandpa, Little John, and various other family members that have left us down here.  I love you!  And one day I'll be able to celebrate with you again.

***The picture up top is courtesy of my cousin Amber, Art's daughter, so thank you! ***