Sunday, March 23, 2014

Are you there God? It's me, Jennifer

A few months ago I was a devout Atheist.  I was convinced that there was nothing more to this life than what you see.  When you die you are either placed 6 feet under or in an urn and that was that.  There was no divine intervention, no man upstairs.  There just was.  I don't believe that I have ever been a "bad" person.  I have just had different views on things.  To me, for so long, people would make me feel as though since I had those opinions God and I couldn't be on the same page. 

That was wrong.

I would like to say that since I started working for a faith based organization, that faith came easier for me...this wasn't the case though.  If anything it became more difficult.  I would see the thing that went on there and listen to what people would talk about.  It wasn't any different than any other place I had ever worked.  If anything it was worse, if only for the fact that I was holding them to a higher standard due to the type of organization that it was. 

Recently, I noticed myself becoming more and more bitter.  I was angry at everyone.  Who do you turn to when your heart is filled with hate?  Who can you talk to when you don't want to speak to anyone?  For some of you faith has come very easily. I use the term easily very loosely.  Many people around me were born into a religion.  They were raised with it.  I was not.  Don't misinterpret, my parents and family are wonderful people...we just never went to church.  Prayed once a year.

This past week I have been listening to Christian music, my mood has changed considerably.   I have begun to pray as well.  I'm not comfortable enough to call myself a Christian again just yet. But I don't believe I fit into the atheist category anymore at this point.  I believe I am transitioning.  People tend to believe that religion is black and white. You either believe or you don't.  It is so much more complex than that.  Life is so much more complex than black and white.  We live in this beautiful grey area. 

A song that truly began this journey for me was Casting Crowns "Just Another Birthday".  For those of you familiar with mine and Haydens story you can see how this song would bring me to my knees.  The first time I heard it, the tears were flowing freely. 

"Jesus, can You hear me
Come and heal my brokenness
Put the pieces back together
And be a Father to the fatherless"

We have been facing some very difficult times lately.  I have specifically. I have kept them from Hayden but he will deal with them in a completely different way when he is older.  It creates some very big anxiety for me.  I believe that any parent would feel this way if faced with similar situations.  How can I let him know that it was never his fault and that he is wonderful?  I can't do that alone, I need help.  So hearing this song by Casting Crowns was a wake up call.  Maybe one day I will have a story about finding God that will inspire others, right now...I'm just trying to figure it all out myself.  Something I need to remember, that we all need to remember is to not let others shape how we feel about the situation.  We have to find Jesus on our own.  No matter how you were raised, what church you were brought up in, you have to make the decision on how you believe, how you feel. 

I'm not sure when I will figure it out, if I ever will.  Just know that I think I am headed in the right direction for me and Hayden.


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