Saturday, July 7, 2012

All the pieces

Some days a girl just needs a good cry.  Today has been that day for me.  There is nothing wrong with me, I just have been in the mood for emotions.  I have been youtubing sad tv scenes, movie scenes...I just don't know what's wrong with me today!  This cannot be healthy.  I am sure part of my need to release my emotions is that I don't do it very often.  I suppress so much of what I am feeling for the sake of...I'm not sure really.  I just don't want a lot of peoples pity and frankly I don't want to or have time to deal with it.  So every now and then I suppose a youtube cry fest is needed.

I'm not going to lie, everyone has problems, we all know this. Whether the problem lay in failing in school, losing your job, not being able to have a baby, or not having that ball park home run, world series kind of love.  Everyone is facing something.  If we all just wallow in our own self pity then we forget that everyone else is facing a difficult battle too.  We like to get angry at people who have what we want.  We can deny it all day long but we all do it.  It's human nature. 

A lot of my emotions come from the fact that I am lonely.  I am surrounded by people but I am lonely.  I have been single for over a year now.  I was in a loveless marriage for nearly 6 months and just plain alone.  I joined an online dating site hoping that it would cure some of my problems and maybe help me meet a few nice people.  Well with the good there is always bad.  There have been maybe 3 or 4 Decent people that I have met off the site and the rest are complete creepers.  I do not want to meet a person after two hours of conversation.  I Just don't.  I do not want to cuddle with someone after a week of talking and seeing each other for the first time. I just don't.  I would prefer to chat for a while then do something and please don't mention wanting to cuddle, b/c if you do then you better be content with the cuddling I give you and not complain that I am not cuddling.

Let me explain my annoyance.  I was talking to this guy, seemed super cool over text and what not.  We watched a movie together and he wanted to ok whatever so we did the whole arm around you head on shoulder type thing...but apparently that's not cuddling...he wanted to "lay and cuddle" hello...I am not about to have your penis in my back on the first hang out session.  So needless to say...he left very unhappy and I haven't heard from him since.  Oh well. I must remind them that I am a mother.  The last time I got comfy and cozy on the first few visits I ended up as a single mother.  So I would love if everything this time would go at a snails pace, the men have to be ok with that. 

So far in my ventures I have been messaged by a man and a woman (married couple) wanting to have a threesome...I was flattered...but I had to turn that down.  I have been messaged by men as young as 18...Also flattered but I don't want to play babysitter.  There have been a few men that I have really enjoyed talking to though.  I haven't met any of them but they are very nice conversationalist.  I am trying to keep my options open. I am not going to start chatting with one and cut ties off the site based off a few days of text messaging. This dating experience is about me this time.  Nothing but the truth and not putting up with anything i don't want.  I am going to be picky b/c I can be.  If I end up a spinster I'm cool with it actually.  As much as I want that special person, I will not compromise on anything I find important anymore. 

I am not the girl that has casual sex.  I have entertained the idea but when it boils down I know that I would get attached or find the entire thing weird and the friendship would be over.  I am the jealous type.  I'll admit it.  I can handle "girl" friends and whatnot but if I am going to sleep with someone I don't want to worry about getting tested every month b/c I don't know how many other women they are shacking up with.  To put it plainly...I don't like to share.  What's mine is mine. 
If I enter into a relationship my best friend has to approve of you or at least see room for potential.  This is very important.  I'm not compromising anymore.  I have compromised for men all my life and I am done.

All this does make me pretty emotional because I start to doubt myself.  I have this thing where I need to learn that I am a good catch and that I am beautiful.  I may not be a size two, there is more of me to love and yes I do wiggle, but there has got to be someone out there that will like that...right?  I mean surely, I see large women in relationships all the time. Part of me does seriously think that I am the unfamous relationship equivalent to Jennifer Love Hewitt though. (not looks wise b/c lord knows I would kill for that body) but she can't seem to find a good relationship and looking at her you see no problems. so I think I may be like that...just alone forever. 

youtube and do something productive.  Mr. Right will come along.  All the pieces will fall into place, and life will be spectacular.  I just need to stop watching sappy crap, don't compromise myself for anyone, and hang on to the effin fabulous part of me that I tend to forget about.


  1. Oh my I'm right there with ya on the emotional mess...and the whole YouTubing sad scenes/songs...totally guilty TODAY. I like to call it emotional bulimia:you feel sad (for reason usually unknown) and just feed into it by doing things that make you cry and in the end it somehow helps! you are GORGEOUS and no lie I look at you and your body and wish I looked that good! Theres obviously men who go beneath the surface and actually fall for someone based on their personality first-the rest falls into place. Good luck and if you wanna chat you know where to find me :)

  2. I missed this comment! I am so sorry! I have been using my phone and it doesn't show them! but thank you so much! I think everyone has hatred for their own bodies. It's natural. No one will ever be fully content with everything. One day maybe we will! lets hope! and there are many men that go for the personalities but they are very hard to find. one day i will find day.