He who strengthens me...

What would happen if I asked God to take over my life? What would happen? If I stopped and just listened to that voice in my mind telling me what to do, would life be easier? It seems to me that fighting g that voice has only created problems for me. Then again had I listened I wouldn't have my son, and he is the greatest gift of all.
I keep telling myself that I want to start going back to church and I want my son to grow up in a strong faith based home. Since I am his sole caregiver and his biological father has abandoned all hope of having a relationship with him, I have to be the leader of my household. I have I be strong and he will be strong. I wants son to avoid all the trials and tribulations that I have had to discover on my own without listening to God.
I am still on my cebatical of no men. I intend to keep that. I have made it this far I can make it the rest of the way. I need to strengthen my relationship with the LORD. Once I do that I truly believe that everything else will just fall into place. So I ask you all to pray for me, pray for my strength to step up and be a spiritual leader, my strength to fully confide in God. I need a lot of prayers to help get this right. I need to get my faith back, back and strong.

I know God has a plan and a reason for everything, and its not for me to understand. I just wish I had a little insight as to his plans for everything he has thrown at my son. To be so young and have a dad who has treated him the way he has...I just...I wish I knew why. I pray constantly that I will have the right words when my son asks me about why...please God give me the answer when the time comes...

Accountability

What an eventful 48 hours I have had. Friday on the way home from work I got into a car accident. It was completely my fault. I wasn't paying enough attention to what I was doing. Everyone thinks they are immune to something and youre not. I though "it won't happen to me" and it did. Luckily I was not seriously injured and neither was the person I smashed into. I will say that I am relieved I hit a man with a truck who was by himself. It occurred to me that my lack of attention could have costed me or someone else their life. Had I hit a motorcycle or a small car with a baby in it...idk it just makes me sick to think about How stupid I was.

I spent most of my Saturday shopping for a new car because mine was totaled and I had liability only. So I am now the owner of a 2012 Nissan Sentra. It's a nice car and I am excited to have it...just not under the current circumstance. They had to order it because it seems like now days car lots only keep the super loaded cars there...I don't need super loaded...I just need semi loaded. So I should have it by Wednesday. I have a loaner car until then.

I just want to express how important road safety is. Keep your cell phones away from you while driving. Whatever it is can wait until you reach where you are going or until you make a pit stop. The lives that could be at stake for you checking that one message or dialing that one number is simply not worth it.

I held it together until my dad showed up and then I just cried and cried, pulled it back together and then when I got home and saw my son (who was not in the car with me) I just lost it. I held him and I just cried. I couldn't help but think about the what if...and I should think about them. It's important to know how lucky I was and all the damage that I could have caused.

I have included a few pictures of my injuries which aren't much at all. Just fr the airbags. I will post pictures of the car when I see it.

Before starting P90X

This is my before P90X post. These pictures are about a month old and I have actually gained one lb since this picture. I actually like these pictures though. For those of you who have been following along you know that this is far from the beginning of my weight loss journey. I started at the end of August weighing in at roughly 205. I kick started my journey with phentermine, which if your bmi is high enough your doctor may prescribe it to you.

One important thing to remember when you are losing weight is that be Leary of people who come out of the woodwork. Naturally you will spark more interest from the opposite sex, but it's not always good interest. Be sure to keep the friends you have because friends tend to not wear the same rose colored glasses as we do. Just trust me on this one.

I have always been chunky...or at least I always thought so. Looking back I can see how people thought I was nuts. What I am trying to say here is that your self image is much worse than everyone else sees you. You are your worst critic. If you start losing weight make sure it's because you want to. Not because you want someone else to like you or pay attention to you. The only way you will successfully lose weight and keep it off is if you are doing it To make yourself happy.

So like I said, I ordered P90X the other day and the tracking says I will probably receive it tomorrow. I haven't fully decided if I will start the day I get it...but then again this is about throwing all the excuses I know out to the wind. I need to buckle down and get serious. It's time for a change. I need to be on shape enough to kep up with my son as he grows.

I am thinking about starting a YouTube video blog to go along with my 90 day P90X challenge. I will let you all know what I decide.

Love ya mean it!

P90X

Well I accidentally ordered this. I say accident yea, don't judge. So I shall take it as a sign and when it comes in my 90 day challenge will begin. Get ready.

What can I say?

I want to find that all consuming, breath taking, heart wrenching love. Do you think it still exists?

Saving Me

It's very easy to lose yourself in the hustle of being a mommy.  Some women can perfectly balance motherhood and a social life while others, like me, have to work for it.  I am one of the types that get over come with mommy guilt.  I have decided that what is best for my child and myself is for us to have a little more time apart than just daycare and work.  So I have vowed that once a month I will have a girly night.  I am still on my no boys until 24 kick. So far so good.

The really good thing about vowing not to enter a relationship for a while is you weed out a lot of people who don't really deserve you.  Some men get very impatient.  I want a man who will be ok with taking this slow.  Until I find him, I'm never going to settle, so I will enjoy the freedom.  2012 is all about saving me.  This is the year that I learn to balance my social life with being a mom.  I have pushed myself aside for nearly 3 years now.  It's time I get myself back.  I am already down 35 lbs. Which is fabulous, not good enough but it is great.  I still have at least 40 lbs to go before I am satisfied.

So Last night was my first Girls night of the year.  I got to hang out with two beautiful ladies as we watched two funny guys put on a wonderful show.  It was the most fun I have had this year.  This year has just begun though so I have plenty more opportunities to make fun memories like this one.  Which also brings me to say if you haven't been to the Sit n Talk Coffee shop in Beebe you really need to go.  Not only is the coffee AMAZING the entertainment is pretty good also.  I have only been once but I have a feeling I will be more often.  I can't wait until I can be there for a karaoke night.  Hello, super fun right there! I feel like I need to brush up on my boy band dance moves though...hmmm

 I made some resolutions at the beginning of the year that I am ashamed to say I am already slacking on.  One in particular was to take more pictures.  I feel as though I have completely failed on that one.  Another is to do more philanthropy work, also failed.  So the year is still young, I have time to get back on track.  I can take pictures of everything, aim to do better in the world, talk to a few more strangers, and just be a better and more positive person to be around.  That has been my goal all along.  I love to talk to people, I can talk about anything and everything.  I am a pretty social person if I do say so myself, and I like to think that I am friendly.  It seems like a talent to me, some people can touch their noses to their tongue and I can start a conversation with anyone.  So it's time I put my talents to use. 

Saving me isn't just a slogan that I came up with for my year, it's a lifestyle change.  When you aren't happy with something you need to change it.  You only have one life, once chance, you are either going to make it worth while or not.  I never want to be the person who settles for less than spectacular again.  I want it all.  I happen to think I deserve it also.  So I challenge you to save yourself.  Even if you think you haven't lost yourself, just dig a little deeper and figure out what in your life could be better or that you would change completely and do it.  When all else fails remember to always Go with God :)

Let go and let God

I have this pattern. It leads me to crappy men. I promised myself on my last birthday that I wouldn't get in a relationship, so far I've been dancing on the line. The thing is that guys are a waste of time. A friend of mine face me some great insight. He is very driven towards his goal right now and he is waiting on looking for a girlfriend. He wants to accomplish his goals first then worry about relationships later. Once upon a time I would have thought this concept was crazy and that people who do that will end up alone because they wasted time. Although some might, are they really unhappy? I mean whatever that goal was would have to be pretty important to them. So achieving it would be pretty spectacular. Maybe I need to make my goals my soulmate.

I am tired of trying and trying and then cruelty comes out. I want to better myself. I am not the person who just settles for good or ok. I want great even spectacular. I can't be with someone who is just satisfied with making it. I want them to constantly strive for better. There is alway room for improvement.

Sometimes I catch myself just daydreaming about the person I want to be. Then I get a little peeved at myself because what is stopping me?! I have come a very long way on the last few months. I have been working so hard, but something has been missing. A persons relationship with God is very personal. It is something that only that person and God can understand. My relationship with God has become more and more important to me recently. I want to be a strong spiritual role model for my son. I no longer want to be an empty vessel living from day to day. I want to be living for tomorrow: for what happens when I die. What heaven looks like.

Things in my life seem to have got more difficult a time goes on. The common factor in all of it is that Go was talking to me the whole time. I just wasn't listening. Well my ears are fully open now. And the eyes of my heart are open as well. I am ready to hand it all over. I'm tired of tying to figure it all put on my own. I am hanging all my problems over to God. He can either fix them or tell me how.

God will write my love story, maybe he already has. I just need to open my kind, my heart, and let God lead the way.