Thanks for the Memories

This weekend the big yard/garage sales took place along highway 64, which brings back so many memories for me.  Four years ago my sister, my mom, and I piled into my moms little blue car and started down the highway.  It was nearly an all day event.  It was no easy task for a full-term pregnant woman to complete.  By the end of the day I was swollen, exhausted, and for lack of a better word...a complete bitch. 

The date was August 15, 2009.  My due date was the 27th.  My sister took this photo and uploaded it on her facebook to let the world know just how grumpy I was, and probably to gain a few laughs.  As you can see, I was largely pregnant and clearly exhausted. 

The next day I had a friends baby shower to attend.  I was still very tired and slightly grumpy...but I pulled myself together for her special day.  Upon entering her home, her husband took one look at me and said, and I quote, "Do NOT go into labor in my house."  Of course we all laughed at this comment and went about our business.  I had so much fun at her shower. 

I can remember around 4pm I started to feel slightly uncomfortable and the cramping began.  Being my first pregnancy I didn't think to much of it.  I finished the shower without saying at word to anyone, then headed home. I remember being on facebook laying on my bed and chatting with my friend, whose baby shower that I previous attended, and she told me I was in labor...I of course did not believe her.  She had told me earlier that week that she thought I would have him before Monday.  It's very neat that this whole event is chronicled on facebook. 

My mom came to pick me up around 10:30 that night and we headed to the hospital.  When we got there I was dilated 1cm.  By this time I was having very strong contractions that were less than 5 minutes apart and lasted about a minute long.  The nurse took pity on me and told me to walk around the hospital and see if it helped me dilate more.  A little before 2 am she checked again and I was only at 1.5cm but fully effaced. So she admitted me.  Not that we were going anywhere.  I remember asking her for Tylenol and she tried to stifle a laugh saying it wouldn't really help, but she handed me them anyways (Just so you know, getting a Tylenol in a hospital is like 10 dollars a freaking pill and they WILL bill your insurance for it) 

Mom stood by my side all night long.  I will admit there were times where I was less than pleasant to her.  I got downright snotty more than once.  Around 6am they gave me a shot of some useless pain med that didn't stop the pain, but stopped you from being able to clearly voice your discomfort.  Demerol (sp?).  Apparently I got pretty funny at this point.  I was soon hooked up to oxygen because apparently I wasn't getting enough on my own.  Which of course made the bill go up even more!  Breathe ladies breathe!  My dad reached the hospital around 7ish and my sister was there by 8.  I don't think Haydens dad showed up until around 8 as well.  Finally feeling some relief around 7:30 when I got my epidural, I think I may have taken a brief nap...but who can say for sure. 

At 9:57 on August 17th, 2009 my little monster was born.  His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice and thank god the nurses did all their BEST (Baptist joke) otherwise who knows if he be here today.  His heart rate was rapidly dropping and I was only at an 8 so (not going to go into to much detail) they got me to a ten and started the pushing process.

 

 

 

That was 4 years ago.  Since giving birth to a bouncing baby boy life has changed so much.  For the better.  No I am not where I hoped I would be.  I am not living where I want, I'm not on the life path that I want...but I love where I'm at.  When times get rough and I am tempted to pull my hair out, I remember that weekend.  The weekend everything changed.  I am still not to my pre-pregnancy weight, I have stretch marks, and more cellulite than I care to think about. 

 

 

 

 

My life is now soccer games, bedtime stories, legos, and superheroes.  Half the time I can't remember what I ate the night before, but I can tell you exactly what happened on Haydens first trip to the ER.  I can tell you about the time we weathered our first tornado storm alone.  I can tell you exactly what I felt on the first day I went to work after he was born, the first visit with his dad, the last visit with his dad.  I can tell you what he wore home from the hospital. I can tell you all sorts of things that have happened since August 17th, 2009, all sorts of things about him.  

 

 

 

 

Hayden has been potty trained for over a year now, he has slept in his "big boy" bed for nearly two.  Every single day that passes this little guy exceeds my every expectation.  



You learn a lot about yourself when you become a parent.  Everything you know is tested.  Every theory you had is proven wrong...nothing stays the same.  If you are lucky, you have people to help you along the way.  People who will say "Hey, let us watch him for a little bit and you go out and just have some mental health time."  or ones that say "Yea, you are completely normal for thinking and feeling that way, sometimes life is overwhelming.  It will get better. It's just a phase.".  My child has truly molded me into a different person, a better person.  I only hope that one day he will say the same about me.  That I will do a good job, make him proud, and teach him right. 

 

 

Four years is not a long time, it is a tiny speck in the grand scheme of time.  In that time I have raised a boy who is loving, kind, compassionate, friendly, and so much more. I hope that he carries that with him forever.  I want to look back on my life and know that although I screwed up with so much, he wasn't one of my mistakes.  That I did the best I possibly could with him.  It's been difficult and as he gets older it will continue to become more difficult.  It breaks my heart every time he says "I don't have a daddy" or "I wish I had a daddy".  It breaks my heart when he wants something that I can't give him.  Every time he cries, I want to cry.  This little boy has been through so much already and he has no idea.  I can only hope that I will do something right and it won't affect him much as he grows older.  That he knows that no matter what happens, he as a mother who would walk through fire for him, that would give up everything to make him happy, and who feels beyond blessed to have the opportunity to be there every step of the way.  

 

 

So, Happy (early) birthday baby.  Mommy Loves you

30 things to do before I am 30

Alright. Here is the rough draft to my list. There are more than 30 things on it but some of them can count as the same. 

1. Run a marathon

2. Go on a real vacation every year 

3. Go back to college

4. Clean up my credit

5. Buy a house

6. Lose 50 lbs and be fit

7. bungee jump

8. Get my half sleeve dream tattoo

9. Go on a cruise

10. Swim with dolphins

11. Fall in real, consuming, can't live without each other love

12. Visit Washington DC and all the national landmarks there

13. Read every book in the Rory Gilmore book challenge 

14. Sing Karaoke

15. Go somewhere out of this country 

16. Complete the Tough Mudder

17. Go to a Superbowl

18. Climb a real mountain 

19. Go skinny dipping 

20. Go on a hot air balloon ride

21. Attend Mardi gras

22. Bring in a new year in Times Square

23. Perform a striptease 

24. Go on a "girls" trip once a year 

25. Write a book (even if it never gets published)

26. Go on a ghost hunters trip

27. Watch a NASCAR race live

28. Travel somewhere alone

29. Try to surf

30. Wear a bikini

31. White water rafting

32. Zip lining 

33. Learn to drive a motorcycle

34. Get a concealed weapons license 

35. Go swimming in the rain

36. Visit all of the Disney Parks in the world

37. Say goodbye to social media...for good *gasp!* 

38. Learn to water ski

39. Stay up all night finding constellations 

40.  Go camping a few times every summer

41. Cut down my own Christmas tree

42. Buy a really good camera

43. Be happy with myself 

The romance of a new year

The first day of the year always holds so much promise, so many possibilities. It also holds so many failed attempts. All those resolutions you made the year before that never made it past March. Looking back over 2012, I had a pretty great year.
When there is good there is bad. I will not dwell on that part of the year though. Everything that happens is a learning experience if you choose to see the lesson. I wrecked my car: bad. My divorce was final:good. I made the choice to begin dating again after a year long break...Good.
Of course, as you know from all my precious entries, I tend to get blinded by a pretty smile and good looks. The good thing about every dating experience you have is that it teaches you what you want, what you don't want, what you new to change, and so much more. I would like to thank the one person I dated last year, he reminded me that I am capable of letting someone in and deeply caring for someone. Also, that I am not immune from that burn of a chipped heart. It's refreshing to remember emotions that you blocked out for so long.
I am in love with the idea of love, but I refuse to be its victim. I have entered every relationship blindly. This year I plan to be prepared with the guards up a but. The relationship that I am most excited for this year, is the one I intend on forming with myself. My main goal this year is to fall in love with me.
For at least 14 years I have resented something about myself. Whether it be I am a bigger girl, my hair, my skin, my clothing, voice...whatever you name it . I have made judging myself and holding myself to a super high unrealistic expectation on what I think I should be. I am not, nor will I ever be a girl that can wear a bikini in public. So why should I want the body for one? Am I really trying to lose weight for me, or just because I think that men won't find me attractive?
This year I am going to cut myself a break. I am going to devote one day a week where I don't put on any make up or do my hair. I may even post a picture on Facebook every day because why not? Everyone sees me for what I really am, except for me. You all can clearly see that I am not a size 4. You can see that my face will always behold the chubby cheeks of my childhood. You can see that...so why do I feel the need to hide it? No clue, but it stops today. So here is to one entire year of makeup less Thursdays.
I have other resolutions but that is my main one. I think at this point in time it is the most important one.
I'm not sure what will happen during this upcoming year, I do know that I will take why I learned from my experiences last year and I will use them as a reference point for the current year and current situations. Maybe this will be the year of love for me, maybe it will be the year or me having a social life. Who knows, each new year is a new beginning. A new chance to do something different.
I may not know what to expect this year, but I do know this...by the end of this year I will be a better person. Mark my words.

My advice pool-e

Just like you can't judge a relationship by the end result. Many people, including myself, see a happily married couple and begin to drool with envy. It's so easy to overlook what a couple has been through compared to where they are. The truth is many of them have struggled to get where they are. Falling in love, forming a lasting relationship, building a marriage, it all takes work that is easy to look over.
My best friend has a wonderful marriage and a husband that really is her other half. I won't put all her business out there but it wasn't an overnight journey to achieve that. They had problems, but they built on them . When I look for a partner, I often use her relationship as a reference point. The problem with this is I look at the right now, not the whole story. I want the perfect match and soul mate from the start off.
Also, what some will put up with in a relationship, others won't. How do we decide who is worth fighting for and who isn't? Here are a few things I have learned from my many failed relationships. Hopefully you will learn from them too.

1. If you say or think it will fail, it will.
I am notorious for saying phrases like "your next girlfriend" or "if you keep me around", although sometimes I am joking many others I'm not. I am fishing. From what I've noticed...never a good move.

2. If you've been dating them for less than two months and they start talking about spending forever with you...don't believe it. This happens so much now days. At two months you don't even know each other. How can someone want to spend forever with you if they haven't even spent the night? Which brings me to my next point.

3. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have sex with them until you have been in an exclusive relationship for at least 90 days. Trust me, if a notch on his belt is what he's after he won't wait that long. As Steve Harvey puts it, you don't qualify for benefits at work until 90 says so you shouldn't give benefits until then.

4. Don't settle. In the beginning of every relationship you notice things you don't like about a person, they often get overlooked for various reasons. Stop that. Go with your gut, if it tells you something isn't right then it's not. When you overlook their flaws they get the upper hand and you end up heart broken.

Every relationship is different. Does that mean these simple rules will work for you? No, but it wouldn't hurt to try them. These are a few mistakes that I have made in my relationships. More to come because I have made so many.

Act like a lady, think like a man.

If there is one thing I can emphasize to all the women out there who are dating it is read all the self help books you can. Don't follow them verbatim but it is beneficial to at least read them. My two personal favorites are: He's Just Not That Into You and Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. Both have been made into movies for your viewing pleasure.
I say that reading these are important because, although every relationship is different and their are a few exceptions to the rule, most of us do fit into the category of the rule. One thing that both of those books stress is to trust your gut. Many of us (most) don't listen to this. I know I am guilty of it every time I date. You get that feeling where they do something you don't like and you look past it as maybe it will change or maybe it's not what you think...it's always what you think.
In Steve Harvey's book he stresses the fact that you cannot change a man. A man will only change for one woman and chances are if you are unhappy, you're not the woman.
One thing I have personally learned about myself is that I date jerks. I have discovered the reasoning behind it as well. I don't think I deserve guys that have a lot to offer. If they own their own house, have a degree, a decent job, I feel as though I am not good enough. Which in reality those are the guys I should aim for. The more reason women date jerks is they don't think high enough about themselves. Well it's time I start thinking more of myself. Start seeing me how others see me.
I am letting my friends pick my dates from now on. This should be interesting. I will blog about the adventures.

Keeper of the Stars

The most important day of my life is in just a few hours. (August 17th 9:57am)  I'm both excited and sad.  It seems so surreal that just 3 years ago I gave birth to the person who would change my entire life.  Words cannot explain how much that little boy means to me, not entirely.  I do believe that a single parents love for their child is much stronger than a married couples.  Now before all you married folks out there get your knickers in twist, allow me to explain.  I am both mother and father to my son.  Which means I have a mothers and a fathers love. Married parents don't have that kind of love.  They have one or the other because they have the other to fill what they cannot.  As a single parent you have to adapt and adjust to what your child isn't getting from the other parent.  Does this mean that married parents love their children less than single parents? Absolutely not!  That isn't what I'm saying at all.  I am merely stating that single parents have a different possibly deeper love for their children.  It has to be.  It has to be more, the child needs it.

I can remember my labor process almost perfectly, I will not go into it though.  But there is so much about that day that I will carry with me forever.  The moment the nurse placed Hayden on my stomach when he was first out of the womb and I said "Hi, baby" and he just stopped crying and we just stared at each other. 

That picture means so much to me.  It's a moment that every mother dreams of.  The first time you lay eyes on that beautiful little person who you have been growing and learning to love for the last 9 months.  It becomes real.  You can see their little eyes, their little noses, hold their little hands.  It's such a magical moment that I wish for every woman. 

At 9:57 am, August 17th 2009, my world was complete.  I held everything that I could ever possibly need in my arms.  This picture is how we have remained.  Mommy and baby, taking care of each other.  It hasn't been easy, but I am so glad I have had the experience.  It's not ideal, everyone wishes for the perfect family where they mommy and daddy are happily in love, two car garage, soccer practice, the whole nine yards...but for many women this is not the reality.  Their reality is working 40+ hours a week, driving over 30 miles away for work, having no social life, no love life, barely enough money to scrap by, and the happiest little smile waiting for them every day.
 



My reality is beyond what I could have ever thought.  I struggle, but in these last 3 years, I haven't regretted one moment with him.  That little boy is my world, my everything.  I don't need anything else so long as I have him.  My baby boy turns 3 tomorrow.  He is growing faster than my mind can comprehend.  This mommy has so many emotions that I can't even form a rational thought half the time. 

That little boy has been my light in a world of darkness.  I was never a wild person, but he keeps me grounded.  My eye is on the prize.  A child raises your standards on everything, or at least they should.  My cup runneth over. There are so many more memories to be made in our future, you can bet I look forward to them all.  The good, and the bad.  I am a different person now.  I'm a better person.

It was no accident me finding you
Someone had a hand in it
Long before we ever knew
Now I just can't believe you're in my life
Heaven's smilin' down on me
As I look at you tonight

I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars
He sure knew what he was doin'
When he joined these two hearts
I hold everything
When I hold you in my arms
I've got all I'll ever need
Thanks to the keeper of the stars

Soft moonlight on your face oh how you shine
It takes my breath away
Just to look into your eyes
I know I don't deserve a treasure like you
There really are no words
To show my gratitude

So I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars
He sure knew what he was doin'
When he joined these two hearts
I hold everything
When I hold you in my arms
I've got all I'll ever need
Thanks to the keeper of the stars

It was no accident me finding you
Someone had a hand in it
Long before we ever knew

Happy Birthday Baby

(a day early, but that's ok)

When a man loves a woman

This song stirs up all sorts of emotions in me. THIS is what it's supposed to be like. Where are those men at? It's all about unconditional love, once you find that...you are complete.

The inner romantic in all of you will hopefully come out with this song.  How can it not?  What woman doens't want a man that would do anything for her, put up with all her crazy, and just support her when she needs it?  Every woman wants that, every woman wants the man that can protect you from harm, put you first, and make you feel like no matter what you do he will always think of you as a beautiful, smart, amazing woman. 

There are so many things I want in a man...I think if you understand this song, you know exactly what I am looking for.

Enjoy, if you have a spouse get up and dance.  Enjoy eachother.

xoxo